Tired, Sad and Hanging On

I have been struggling with my health for 3 years now. Its funny how you live your life not knowing how much time passes. 3 years! I try often not to complain or let it get me down. I think I fail at it though. I guess when something starts to defeat you and drag you down you become bad at hiding it.

I want to say I'm strong, but I feel tired of pretending I'm okay and sad that I'm not sure what's wrong. I don't want to think of what it might be and keep telling myself - its something easily fixed and not a big deal. My biggest worry is that they'll find nothing and I'll continue getting sick.

My stomach has been bad for over a year now I guess. Really since Maddy was born. But, I've been battling so much with my immune system and exhaustion, I never thought how much my stomach was bothering me. I just figured it was because I was getting the flu all the time or because I was always so tired, maybe it was making me nauteous. Its felt like a fist has been pushing at the top of my stomach for a long time. Since may I've been getting incredible pain in my stomach...and the dreaded intense gas... At night sometimes I can feel my heart beating in my stomach - which doesn't help to get rid of feeling like throwing up.

There are a few things going on behind the scenes in our house that are also making me sad. Because of how I always feel, my poor husband shoulders a lot of the house responsibilities and it means us not spending as much time together. I'm so exhausted all the time so the bed is calling my name by 8:00. Its all the energy I can muster to take care of Maddy and work every day. My poor husband hasn't known the real me since we came back from our honeymoon and I started going downhill. He's a good man and seems not to mind - but I always pray that I can have enough strength to give him a break. To make him happy and give him time to see me well each week, each month. A glimpse into not having to think about how bad I feel.

And, I feel some days like I live alone in this. Sometimes people that have never experienced physical sickness don't understand how hard it is just to lift your head up every day. So, its hard to talk about it and say how you really feel without seeming negative. I get a sense from some that they're like - just get over it! I really am trying.

So, at this point I'm at the mercy of 2 doctors and 4 different tests this month. I pray that a diagnosis will come and that it is treatable and will get me back to the person I was.

Do I know how to pray? No, I don't know what to say. I know God's will is for us to glorify Him where we are and to have the right attitude. So I pray that God will help me through this with the right attitude.

The Psalm Lesson

Its funny how when I pick up my bible and don't know where to start reading, I can always turn to the reliable Psalms. Usually I find comfort in them. I feel as though the author sings praises to God with words I can't say. They lighten my heart and make me realize the wonder of the Lord.

Sometimes. When I pick the right one. Usually when I run to the Psalms I try to pick randomly. Though, when feeling ugly I turn right to Psalm 139.

Today I picked Psalm 35 where David is pleading with God (once again) to spare him from his enemies...promising to "give him thanks in the great assembly" if he rescues him.

What's odd is that today my lesson learned from this Psalm was not that God rescues us from those who oppose us, or that God is to be praised when he spares us from harm. Today I felt convicted that I have been making enemies of those in my life that have been challenging me. Not that they have been challenging me to be a better person, but they are in my life to challenge my character.

Last week I had a struggle with feeling frustrated with someone that I seem to be frustrated with a lot. Instead of going to God to pray for that person or stopping to check my own attitude, I turned them into an enemy and felt anger towards them. I assumed this person would continue to do things to make my life difficult with little thought to how it would affect me. I literally began to believe this person was deliberately trying to do things to harm me.

Maybe this is so, but instead of stopping and praying through it, taking a moment to breathe, I reacted and sinned. Now, my heart is set with a view of this person and I am leaning towards treating them like an enemy. They are not the enemy, Satan is and I will speak right now against Satan that would try to feed a lie to me that would cause this anger to fester and spread into other corners of my life. I ask God to bring clarity and restoration and replace this lie with the truth.

We all know Luke 6:28 - "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you". This is where I need to begin living with this and all my relationships. Whether the person is intentional in their motives or not, it is not my place to judge and I cannot allow Satan to make a stronghold because of my own hurt feelings or misunderstood words.

Matthew Henry says: (6:27-36) These are hard lessons to flesh and blood. But if we are thoroughly grounded in the faith of Christ's love, this will make his commands easy to us. Every one that comes to him for washing in his blood, and knows the greatness of the mercy and the love there is in him, can say, in truth and sincerity, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? Let us then aim to be merciful, even according to the mercy of our heavenly Father to us.

Ouch - where is my grounding? I know better. Good lesson today God, thank you.

The Great Change

I can't believe its been 6 months since I've written my thoughts. It shouldn't be a surprise really because I hardly have a chance to think anything through, never mind write it down. Our cable is out today. Isn't that a gift from GOD - because didn't I actually snuggle back into bed to read something inspirational?! My five minutes of silence reading a good book about getting myself Out of a Pit has now in-turn inspired me to talk about my pit.

I have no idea if anyone ever checks my blogs anyways - cause I'll be honest, I don't have time to check other people's...so it helps me feel a little bit more free to be honest I guess cause probably no one reads it anyways. :)

I literally haven't written my thoughts anywhere in 6 months - probably because I'm afraid of what's in my brain. I don't have time either to sit and write - which has become the source of one of my issues lately. No time. I have time to watch TV - check Facebook nearly 50 times a day and eat a snack - but nothing else. Time with God? Well - He has to fit in when I'm on the move somewhere.

See - the last couple years have been tough. And maybe my blog is a lot of complaining, but at times I feel like complaining a lot more than being happy. Especially when I write. I didn't ask for the things to happen that happened. And its not fair that now I have set patterns because of those events that are truly frustrating me. Patterns that I feel like I'm too far in to change.

I have a few nicknames - amoung them the ones that bother me the most are Drama Queen and Sassy. In themselves they are not bad, but the represent a morphing of a person that I would never have thought I'd become. I don't see myself that way. I feel too broken to be Sassy - but the truth is I have become SO broken that it comes out as Sass now. I have had some major things happen in my life and as a result of sharing those...in my own creative ways...I have become the Queen of Drama. I don't ask for the Drama - though at times I guess I do utilize the opportunity for a good story or conversation.

What I'm trying to get out is that I have fallen into a genuine pit. I got married nearly 2-1/2 years ago and on my honeymoon got Mono. My poor husband got shocked into a partnership with a vibrant woman who loved God and lived her life in an obvious outward show of that love - who became so sick and weak that she turned into someone who couldn't see God for the bed!

Then, when beginning to feel a slight ray of hope for the old healthy woman I once was - we were blessed with finding out we were having a little Vantol. I could not have been more excited. Within the first 4 weeks I then found out I was probably pregnant with twins. Well - as if the prospect of that wasn't scary enough - it wasn't twins at all, but a non-cancerous tumor that was bigger than the little baby. This lead to months of worry, tests, hospital visits and bed rest. Not so bad - right? Why would I complain...I had a beautiful healthy baby - our miracle child. Absolutely.

Now, I'm going to put in a disclaimer here - "I love my daughter with all my heart. I do not regret having her and I would DIE inside if she were ever not in my life. She is precious, beautiful, smart, cute and a true gift from God." But this entry is about me, not her.

Madison came out the cutest baby I had ever seen (of course!) and I encouraged her to cry the minute she came out so I knew that through the horrible journey of my pregnancy (which wasn't nearly as bad as some mothers have endured for certain) she was okay. Now, I didn't let her know I just wanted her to cry for a couple minutes in the delivery room - not for the rest of her days! We brought her home and she never stopped crying. Day and night...she didn't sleep for longer than 1 hour during the day, unlike other babies who could sleep all day...she cried instead. Considering the incredible pain I was in - not only was I deustional, but I thought my baby hated me and God was going to destroy me.



What I didn't know then, I know now...Madison is my spitting image. She is an official mini-Drama Queen - which only makes things for an original ceritified Drama Queen worse. All that to make the point, the last 2 years are not what I expected them to be. Maybe I'm missing some details that might make a person wonder - what's so bad about that? Its not these two events that defined or changed who I am...its the little days in between. The slow loss of my old self...the decline of the person who used to share a relationship with God...the weakness of a person's body and mind that slowly translated into I'm too tired - I'm too lazy and I don't have time to live my life for anything other than survival.

I want to come out of survival mode. But I feel like I've set such huge patterns and habits in my life that the task of changing is daunting! After all - I'm IN MY THIRTIES! I don't set New Year's Resolutions because I know I can never accomplish them. But I have to start somewhere...so here's my first day of trying one small thing every day to gain back a person who is so in love with God that it wears like an article of clothing. Who has a passion to love people. A person who can again love herself enough to treat her body as a temple. If I can't love my own body - how can I love the One who created this body?

My Children's Ministry Days

I know most of the people that sit on the right side of the church. Not because the people on the left are scary...they’re good lookin’ people! It’s because I’m part of that club...the “I need to escape as fast as I can cause I have a screeching kid club”. We’re all over there because we need to get through that door as fast as we can so we sit as close to it as possible. We’re parents.
If I asked for a show of hands how many people in church, whether on the right or left side...have children under the age of 13...how many hands would I get? Now, if I asked them to keep hand up if they have children over 13, have raised their children or have no children at all...how many would I get?

Now...if I asked how many people are afraid of children? I bet everyone would put up their hands! I have a child...she’s 8 months...see, here she is...isn’t she cute?

I’m terrified of her every day! It’s like having a rabid bunny in your house. Its cute, but don’t touch it, it could hurt you! I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and she’ll remember it and say it in the middle of the grocery store. The doctor wants to know where she gets her height from...not me - now I’m afraid she’s going to beat me up some day! What if I tell her about Jesus and she says no?

Jesus said, “Suffer the little Children to come unto me.” There are kids getting saved in our church! Isn’t that exciting?! We need to nurture them and their friends and their parents. We are the ones that need to bring them to Jesus...whether we’re scared of them or not. They can’t come on their own.

Not every job is a teaching job in front of 35 kids. Some jobs are handing out crayons and telling the kids they’re doing a good job coloring in the lines. Some jobs are clean-up, or singing silly songs, or sitting beside the little one that’s too scared to stay without a mommy or daddy.
Kids need to see Grammas and Grampas and people who have no kids, but love their little doggies or their Harleys. Whether you have children, have raised children or have no children at all, you can be a blessing! Church needs all people to volunteer with our Children.
Some may be serving in other areas of the church service...those things are important too. I just don’t want anyone to short-change themselves thinking they’re not kid people or they’re too scared. I’m terrified every Sunday and every day of my life raising my own kid. But I give it to God and I know that if I don’t...who will?

I wasn`t going to help at KAW. There was someone to watch my little one so that I could help with a small group of 5 kids. The first day I sat on my mat with those kids...their little eyes all staring at me like bats saying, “Well, you better start entertaining us!”. I was scared! I was scared because Sarah Cudmore had her kids strumming guitars and saying “Howdy Pardner” and I couldn’t think of an interesting thing to say to my kids! All the other parents were going to be better than me! But you know what...it was the most rewarding thing I did all summer! 3 of my kids asked Jesus into their hearts, because I faced my fear and just loved them.
I wish I could challenge just one person to step out of their comfort zone and come follow Jesus on the other side of the church. The more that come, the less often you’ll have to be there, but I can guarantee you’ll wish you were there every week when those kids start lovin’ you and lovin’ Jesus.

The Last Few Months

Maddy is 4 1/2 months old. I love her to pieces. It has been a struggle still, but I can't believe every day how much more that I love her. She has such big smiles as well as big cries. Her colick continued and the only way I thought to get around it was what everyone told me...just hold her all the time. I'm not built for that, I need my freedom and its becoming clear that she's figured it out that mommy will hold her to help her sleep...

Maddy was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and then we moved mid-February and she started waking up again. We changed her formula trying to get away with something cheaper thinking that her now 3 months system could handle it. We had her on it for over a month and she became increasingly crabbier. She started screaming all day and one week for 4 days straight. Denny & I broke down and decided the Good Start just wasn't working. She has mommy's digestive system it seems and has a sensitivity to something. So we switched her back. Its been over a week and my little happy girl is back...I want to squeeze her and play with her all day instead of running from her now!

She has developed stranger anxiety and I'm trying to figure out how to cure her of that now. Sometimes when she's really tired she won't even let daddy hold her. I've let people (Auntie Charlie was the first willing soul) hold her to let her scream it out, or just let strangers hold her for a bit to get her used to it. I guess she'll grow out of it.

This weekend we also started letting her cry it out to wean her from the dreaded soother. Maddy wakes up every hour and just needs the soother popped in her mouth to go back to sleep. Its disrupting our sleep and feels like we never get a full night's rest...so we decided its time she figure out a different way to sleep. She did very well, didn't cry for more than 20 minutes at a time and last night she went to bed without the soother or crying and slept all night. I even put her down for a nap this morning without her soother. I'm not "counting my chickens" yet, but we've noticed a huge improvement already. She's gone 3 days without needing the soother for more than 20 minutes tops the whole 3 days.

We moved mid February to a 2 bedroom basement suite. Its more money, but its so nice to have space!! Its huge compared to where we were and Madison has her own bedroom now - it has been wonderful!

Maddy loves her baths and kicks so hard in the water. We only have a shower in this place so we bath her in a big red Christmas storage tub. It works great! We took her swimming once and she loved that too! I taught her at 2 months to stick out her tongue when I stick it out at her...cause the books said to...and now she does it to strangers that aren't even looking at her to try to get them to do it back...its so cute, but I suppose its rude...eh!?

Madison like to talk and growl in her little baby babbling talk and she learned how to screech and loves to scream at the top of her lungs. She was 14 lb at her 4 month appointment.

6 Weeks Gone!

Wow-today Madison is 6 weeks old! I thought I'd better record my thoughts before I forget everything.

I have to say, the first 3 weeks of her life were amoung the toughest of my entire life. Madison didn't take well to my breast milk as she has turned out to be a very gassy and somewhat colicky baby. Being that I was taking 7 different pills throughout the day and 3 of them affected either Madison's stomach or helped to dry out my milk, there was just too many factors that made it nearly impossible to feed Madison. It was also taking nearly 2-1/2 hours with each feeding because she likes to sleep through them, it was too comfy, so feeding every 3 hours was meaning that I wasn't eating or sleeping.

I must have cried the entire first 10 days I was home, sometimes for no reason. Madison's colick meant that she cried (actually screamed in some cases) for 7-9 hours and sometimes it would carry on for 24 hours. So, no matter how guilty I felt something had to give so we switched to formula. She didn't take the first formula too well, and the Dr thought she may have a lactose intolerance so we tried a Lactose Free. Well, the Lactose free gave her extreme constipation, which made her cry even more. So we tried different bottles and finally after I did a lot of research we found a formula that works for her little system - what a different baby! She's 90% better than on breast milk. Its extremely expensive to feed her formula, especially the one that works for her, its one of the more expensive ones out there, but its worth the sanity and happiness in this house! She's still very gassy and we have a crying spell usually for 1, sometimes 2 hours around dinner time, but other than that she is a good baby. I wouldn't mind her learning to sleep for more than 40 minutes at a stint and more than 2 hours between feedings at night, but we'll work on that more now that she's 6 weeks old!

Some of my favorite memories of this time have been; her baths, learning to smile, learning her different cries, leaving her with babysitters, playing with her on the diaper changing station. Maddy started smiling sometime last week. I tickled her cheek where she has a dimple and she smiled at me and on Wednesday after her nap I went to pick her up and she gave me the biggest smiles when she saw me. Its so aweome to see her smile besides in her sleep when she's peeing. I tickled her little legs today and she squeaked and kicked her feet, so I'm excited for the day she actually giggles. We set up a mirror on the side of the changing station and she loves looking at herself, on the other side is a funny toy that she likes to look at too.

We have to do tummy time on my tummy because she just cried right now when we try it on the floor, but she's taking to playing in her little play yard, she looks at the toys, kicks her feet and stays in there for 20-30 minutes now! She's even taking to the swing this week and will actually nap in there for a couple hours if I leave her there. She didn't like bathing in the little tub at all, so once her belly button fell off and I could immerse her, we started doing it in the big tub and she LOVES her baths! (Until you take her out and get her cold!) She almost smiles when you put her in the warm water. We hold her and let her float and kick her feet and she's always content in there.

I've learned some language already. Her little cries are now becoming language. Her Neh cries mean she's hungry and Eh-Eh mean she's got a burp, or a wet diaper. She doesn't like being wet. When she cries for real its because she's got toots or you can hear her little tummy popping like she's got a belly ache. When she wants food she does what we call "birdy"; she flaps both arms with a fury and munches the air.

We've left her with babysitters already. Grammy & Grampy have taken her while Daddy & I went to a movie and last week Denny & I went to Victoria and a friend of ours offered to take her for a couple hours while Denny & I went for a really nice dinner.

Its so nice to get away, but after two hours I'm ready to rush back and scoop her up...she needs her mommy - right!?! We are so thankful for people who offer to take her while we get out for a bit, and its so nice that her colick is more under control and we know how to cope with it better so we can leave her without worrying so much.

Maddy tends to over-eat and throw up if you aren't watching. She eats for comfort...must be from my side of the family...so you have to watch carefully and learn when she's full or when she's asking for food and doesn't really need it. That's been tough, we've had a few wet shirts and a soaking couch learning this lesson!

I am so excited for Maddy to read all about her life as she grows up, but I get sad thinking that she's going to grow up sometimes. I just pray that God will let us remember and enjoy every new stage she goes through.

Daddy is so good with Madison! I catch him napping with her, reading to her, dancing and singing together, and he feeds her all the time when he's home from work. I could never have imagined the feeling seeing your husband with your baby. Its so amazing looking at her thinking she came from both of us...she's a part of both of us and has our traits! God sure did corner the market on amazing when it comes to babies!

Well, I think that's enough for today...I can't wait to write more as she grows and changes! My body is still healing from the day she was born, but its starting to become just a memory now and I'm looking forward to when I'm 100%. It was all worth it seeing her chubby little face every day, I couldn't love her more!

Maddy Cake Makes Her Appearance

She's finally here, we can hardly believe it! We have been blessed with a beautiful little girl. Its hard to believe it was almost 3 weeks ago, I'm starting to forget the details already!

Because of my hypertension (high blood pressure) and fibroid concerns, my OB and Dr decided they would begin induction a day before I was due, so I was admitted to hospital on Wednesday Nov 28th at 3:30 pm. At 6:00 pm my Dr inserted Cervidil to soften everything up, hoping that it would help to move things along because my body was no where near showing signs of being ready and Madison's head was still too high. The plan was to do about 2-3 doses of Cervidil and then proceed to Oxytocin to bring on labor over a couple days.

Denny went home that night to get much needed rest and I didn't sleep at all. The bed was so squeaky and uncomfortable and there was babies crying on either side of me. Plus, I was anxious about what was to come, so I woke up extremely tired the next day. I had a few very small contractions, but nothing to say labor was starting.

Thursday morning Denny came to find they forgot to order my breakfast...again. I was getting a few more contractions in the morning, but still nothing strong. We started walking the halls in the afternoon as my contractions started getting a little stronger. Denny kept making me laugh so hard...that made the contractions worse...but kept me in good spirits! The contractions were lasting a little longer and we were getting a little more excited that something might be happening!

We got in a short nap in the afternoon and at 4:45 pm my Dr came to check me. Baby's head still wasn't in place and I was only dialated about 1 cm, so they gave me another dose of Cervidil and stripped my membranes. Well, let me just say that it was painful and by the time the Dr left, I had my first emotional breakdown. I was starting to get a little scared and was getting tired from lack of rest. As things progressed it became a big reality of what I had to do to get her out...I got a little overwhelmed.

Mom came to visit during dinner and my contractions started getting stronger and stronger...Denny & I were having fun seeing how high a number I could get to on the monitor...it was a fun game.

At about 7:00 pm my contractions started coming strong with very little breaks in between. They were coming every minute or so and lasted a minute or more. I was really starting to feel pain, but was trying to be in good spirits. At one point it was so bad, I thought a warm shower would be nice. Well, big mistake...Richmond hospital had some sort of issue with their water and didn't tell me, so I had a cold shower that put me into the shivers and more pain than I knew how to deal with.

Once I was calmed down somewhat from the shower I tried sitting on the ball and squeezing Denny's knees, I guess it helped somewhat. Denny was watching to Canucks game at this point...I didn't even care. The nurse came to check on me somewhere around 8:00 or 9:00 and I had dialated to 5 cm so I went to the bathroom before I was getting put in the delivery room. Surprise surprise, my water broke! This was a good sign because it meant that I acutally ended up going into labor myself, without the need of drugs. I'd be afraid of the drugs since my labor came on fast and strong on its own and the drugs are supposed to make it worse!

They moved me to the delivery room and around 10:00 the pain was too much. The gas wasn't doing anything and I was feeling pressure to push so strong, but it wasn't near time...so I asked for the epidural. Took the guy and hour and half to get there, brutal! At about midnight he put the epidural in and I got a little bit of dozing in and some MUCH needed rest before the big event. When he put in the epidural I remember him hitting a nerve that shot electricity down my leg and my leg went flying out infront of me. That scared me!

The epidural was nice for resting and helped me through some contractions, but started to wear off on the upper half of me fairly quickly and I started feeling contractions again. But, it did keep me nice and numb in my "down-belows" so that worked out okay I guess.

At 2:40 am I was 10 cm dialated and baby's head had come down, so I started pushing. Its funny how fast everything happens and before you know it you're like, "What? Push a baby out? Are you kidding me? I'm tired!". They told me it could take a few hours to push the baby out...I was NOT having that! I was so done...I hadn't slept more than 3 hours in the last 36 hours and the pain was making me crazy.

So, when they said push, I pushed. They asked for 3 pushes per contraction...I pushed 4 times...towards the end I just wanted that little stinker out and I was tired of them telling me what to do. They wanted me to feel for her head as it was coming out, but I was not into that, I was too focused on pushing her out.

Within less than two hours I had pushed her down and they called my Dr. Before she even made it to the room I had her head half pushed out and was told to stop...WHAT?!?! How do you stop?! A few more little grunts and my beautiful little Munchkin came out crying at 4:16 am November 30th, one day after her due-date.

When they put her on my tummy all I could say was how cute she was and I kept encouraging her to cry. I wanted to hear her scream her head off so I knew she was okay. I couldn't believe how cute she was and how tiny! (PS now I wish I hadn't encouraged her to cry...cause she likes to do it a little too much now).

Denny didn't know what to do...so I had to force him to go be with his daughter...he wasn't sure if he should stay with me or be with her...I'm glad he got to be with her. As it turned out Madison had her hand infront of her face on the way down and she tore me all the way down. So, I was bleeding a lot from the lacerations and my Dr worked on my for about 40 minutes stitching me up but it was so bad she couldn't see all the lacerations so they had to call in my OB from Vancouver to come finish me up. I was on the table bleeding and in pain for 2 hours by the time they finished. That was the most painful experience of my life. I would do the labor 3 times over before the stitching. Despite the freezing, gas and the shots of whatever pain meds they were giving me I felt every stitch go in...OUCH!!!

While I was being stitched I could hear Denny walking the hall outside the room with Madison, he was singing to her and talking to her...it was so precious. Poor Denny was having such a hard time watching them sew me up...I was in agony and having a hard time not making noise about it. I was fairly quiet through the pushing, but the end was more than I knew how to bear.

Madison latched on to the breast right away while I was waiting for my second set of stitching and we were so glad to see she liked eating. My heart was about to burst...I couldn't believe our little girl was finally here...and even more unbelieveable was that she wasn't 8 lb or more like everyone thought she'd be! She was only 6 lb 14 oz, born with dark grey eyes and lots of soft dirty-blonde hair.

Little did we know...this was just the beginning of a couple long hard weeks!...

And Baby Will Make 3!

I just had what should be my last trip to the hospital for tests before baby is born! My tests were on the higher side of normal so we now officially have a plan!

Monday I get more blood tests, Tuesday I see the Doctor to get my membranes stripped and Wednesday I go to the hospital late in the day to start induction. I'll stay the night Wednesday the 28th and we're on our way to being a family by the weekend! Whoo hoo!!

Unless baby decides to actually get moving before then, but I have a feeling that she's not going to do that, so I'm excited to start the official count down!

Counting Down...

Well, today the Doctor said if baby doesn't come on her own this next week, sounds like Wednesday November 28th I'll be induced! Wow - that's perspective for you! I think Denny got a bit of a nervous stomach tonight, that's a pretty big reality!

All my tests and blood pressure and baby are doing just fine, which is great. Baby's head has come down a bit too which is great news...she's on her way!! I'm so excited! I've been getting contractions and cramps that come for hours and then just disappear for days again. I get a little discouraged, but apparently its not a surprise since my uterus is way bigger than it should be.

God has truly blessed us with so many friends and family members that are praying for us and keep calling for updates. We appreciate everyone so much. The support is overwhelming and we really feel like God's hand has been on us because of everyone's prayers.

My days in bed haven't been too bad. The BP pills make me super sleepy all day, so I don't have energy anyways...I'm getting lotsa rest now while I can!

We can't wait to see our little Maddy-Cake. I am so excited to kiss her face and put her little feet in my mouth! I cried the other day thinking about how hard I pray that she'll come out, but I will miss watching her flipping around in my tummy after she's born. There's nothing like carrying your baby with you everywhere. She's all mine right now, I get her to myself and that feeling cannot be matched I'm sure.

Denny can't wait to read her books and have naps with her...and we are excited to teach her about Jesus and watch her sleep. Not long now!!

Awaiting the End

Well, its close to the end now. 11 sleeps til baby is due, and boy are we anxious! I have been at the hospital a total of 7 times already during this pregnancy between an overnight visit for the flu and the battery of non-stress/blood tests the last two weeks; and yesterday afternoon we got home from a two-night stay due to high blood pressure.

Where the heck the high blood pressure came from beats me. I was pretty relaxed, been home doing not too much, but it hit me hard one day in the doctor's office and boy do they not like that! My BP was 160/98 on Wednesday, so I got admitted right to the hospital after having ultrasound #6 and told by like 3 nurses I'd be induced and would leave with a baby.

Well, the baby didn't happen. They put me on bed rest there and gave me fun pills that make my head tingle. I stayed 2 nights, it was boring, but I have to say pretty restful. I also got fun pills to make me sleep at night, I miss those now that I'm home again!

My blood pressure reacted well to the meds, and my body is not showing signs of being ready to induce, so they sent me home with lots of little yellow pills and strict bed rest. So, now I only get to go to the bathroom. I thought I had it bad before! Soon as I walked in the door, I wanted to clean the house. Good thing Denny's off for the weekend, he can make me stay in bed...

I am taking a break to sit at the computer, but just a little break won't hurt...right?! I have a BP montior at home so I can watch my own BP and I get to continue my 2-3 times weekly visits to Dr's and hospital until baby is born.

The nurses really had us going, we thought for sure we'd have a baby by the weekend, but the specialist didn't want to risk inducing when my body and baby weren't ready if they could get my blood pressure down. They keep telling me they want her to cook a little longer if at all possible. I understand and it makes total sense. Its best for baby to come on her own if we can. Having a c-section is a big risk with all the fibroids of hemorraging and having to have blood transfusions and inducing when body is not ready is almost asking for intervention like c-section or vacuums or forceps. So, we wait now.

If this littel girl doesn't pop out by my due date in 11 sleeps, then they'll induce, or if my BP stops reacting well to meds and goes back up. So, we know we at least won't have to wait much longer than 11 sleeps since they don't want me to pass my due date.

Baby is teaching momma patience already! I feel really relaxed about this, oddly, more than before. Anxious for her to come, but knowing there's an end in sight is making it easier to cope with.

Lost

I have been feeling really lost lately. Like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I'm not used to being in a chaotic environment since I've been home, so I have a hard time handling big group conversations; I feel like I don't do anything for anyone anymore; I'm more and more impatient; I feel cut off from the world.

I realized on Tuesday that everything about who I am has changed in the last 2-1/2 months. I'm not the person I was. God has taken me from my world and thrown me somewhere I'm not used to. It is obvious that He is shaping me, but how am I handling it? I have found myself sad and depressed, missing the old me. Feeling lonely in a world where I couldn't have more support and love!

My physical strength is tested to the limit each day. One year ago I had Mono that took all my physical strength and energy and I never re-gained that before pregnancy. Pregnancy came and so did more physical strain. With this I feel as though I have allowed my spirit to weaken as well. My strength must only be in God now.

So, how do I do that? I don't know what to do with quiet. Ask my family, I'm not quiet. But God has thrust me into the quiet for a season. I don't know if I have embraced it the way He wants me to, but this week my spirit is being tested and I want to pass it, so I am asking God to speak through the quiet. I want Him to tell me about this person He is changing me into.

I want to love people, I want to reach out to those who need God's encouragement. I want to give away what God has given me. I want to be more tolerant and listen to others. I want to be a good wife and a good mommy. I want to serve others and to discern where there is a need.

As I was reading my bible I read Romans 12. Vs 1 "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering." Vs6-8 "If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get too bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face."

How hard is that? I feel as though my hands are tied right now. I wish so badly to get involved in things, to offer my time and talents (once I decide what they are!) but physically I can't commit.

My husband will tell you that almost every day when he "suggests" I do something...the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "Don't boss me!" I think I started saying that the moment I was pulled from my mother. God is telling me to rest, to allow myself to be alone and to figure out who He's changing me to be so He can use me later. He's re-shaping who I am and who I will be. Its frustrating and hard, but to be honest, I wouldn't have made the decision for myself, so He made it for me.

September

Well, Denny and I celebrated our 1st Anniversary this month - very exciting! Its amazing how quickly it passed, but still feels like we've been married for a few years. Maybe because we're expecting a baby already! I love him more and more every day and I'm so excited for when he becomes a daddy.

We had our Doctor's appointment yesterday. We haven't had one for 5 weeks now, so it is so relieving to hear the baby's heartbeat again! Denny goes to as many appointments as he can. He tries to finish his work in time to make my afternoon appointments. Its so cute how involved he is and how he makes sure I remember to ask all the questions we've had between appointments.

Baby is doing great! I thank God for that! I, however, will continue to have a lot of discomfort and pain. Apparently I have gained a little bit of weight since my last appointment, yikes, so I need to get out walking more no matter how hard or painful it is. And my uterus has already stretched to the size it should be at full term because of the fibroids. So, as it continues to stretch considering that I technically have 10 weeks left, it may get even more painful.

The fibroids grew a small amount since the last ultrasound, the smaller one growing the most, but not a huge amount. The big fibroid at the top has decided to lodge itself up and under my ribs, making it EXTREMELY hard to breathe. I get about 3-4 hours sleep at the most. Usually naps last only 20 minutes. The doctor is recommending that I find a way to sleep in a reclined or semi-sitting position for the rest of the pregnancy. So, we're going to have to make some changes and be creative to be sure that I sleep and the baby gets oxygen!

Because my uterus is stretched already to its "term" size and because of the fibroids, the chances of my body going into labor early are higher. No guarantees, but higher. I see my OBGYN tomorrow to discuss with her options of planning a c-section in order to relieve my discomfort early. Having a c-section will not decrease or change the risk of fibroid hemorrhaging so opting for the c-section at this point would only be to put me out of some misery. The baby can safely be taken in the 37th week, so that would cut it 3-5 weeks shorter for me. As hard as this has been, I pray that baby stays inside and that I don't go into labor before the 36/37 week mark so she gets the most benefit out of growing inside!

We're excited now that we're at the stage where we go to the doctor every two weeks, which means we're that much closer. She is quite the little wiggler and Denny likes putting his head on my tummy and feeling her kick his head as well as hearing her swish around. We can't wait for this stage to be over and for our little baby to start worrying us on the outside!

The Pains of Childbirth

Since I've been at home for a month now, I have been thankful to spend a lot more time with God. I have been reading my bible a lot and trying to turn off the TV to just listen to worship music, or take a bath and sing, or pray.

I have to say this is a really hard thing to go through. A lot of people say that I am lucky to stay home, but it feels like torchure to me. I've never been good at sitting still, being told what to do and I'm not a big fan of the pain and discomfort that has come along with this stay home.

God has blessed me with a child and I have to keep that at the forefront of my mind when I have full days I have to spend in bed because of pain or because I can't breathe. Sometimes our little girl will move so much that it makes me laugh and I thank God for those times that I'm reminded why this is happening. To bring God's little creation into our lives.

I have to admit, I spend some of the hard days crying and feeling really lonely. I like being busy and it's so hard for me when I don't feel busy and part of the world anymore, when I can't even do a menial task like dusting my house (which I'm sure again most people are jealous of!) without putting me in bed for 24-48 hours.

But, through this I know that God's will is most important and this too shall pass. It's funny, no matter what I go through, what I think is the "hardest thing that has ever happened to me", it's a great opportunity for God to break me. Sitting back and listening to what God has to say when you're flat on your back is amazing.

I was thinking about it one day, I decided when I was a young girl I was going to get pregnant and have a baby some day with little or no thought as to how it was going to come out. The reality and all the things you hear never prepare you for when you start to feel the baby getting bigger and the realization - it has to come out!! Oh my goodness. No matter HOW it comes out, it's going to hurt!

I'm sure at some point every pregnant woman has that little panic moment where she gets a dose of reality that you may have got it in there, but it's not going to be fun getting it out! Then God just impressed on me in my bible reading that day about sending Jesus into the world.

My specialist basically told me to expect my pain to increase until the day the baby comes. That the pain would be classed as severe, and no matter what I was the only one that would feel extremely uncomfortable by this. I wonder how Jesus felt, being sent to earth, knowing that what He had to do was going to be so hard.

In the anticipation of having a child and the prospect of increasing pain, how different was it for Jesus that even through the gifts and wonders He was a part of and saw, there was the underlying pain that was expected? There was the pain of loving us so much, but watching us destroy ourselves, sin and ultimately try to destroy Him.

Romans 8: 21-28 Says, "...Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not deminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making power out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail of our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

Romans 8:31-32 "With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending His own Son, is there anything else He wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?"

These verses have been highlighted in my bible for years, but as I lay in bed wondering how I will get through the pain of my last months of pregnancy and the pains of having this baby, I'm thankful to read these verses again. Not to get me through my own pain, but to appreciate what God did, what Jesus did for me.

No matter what pain I think of, the joy of imagining holding my child, of meeting her makes me remember that this too shall pass, that it will end and I will have the little goal in my arms. The love I have for this child already is phenomenal! Man, God's love for us is so much greater! He knew the pain His Son would suffer, yet He was willing. We make Him cry every day and yet, that didn't stop Him from creating us!

In the moments where I'm blessed enough to spend quiet time worshiping God, I understand why He did that. In those intimate moments where we bring Him glory and we praise Him and we are close to Him; those times when we reach out to others who are hurting, when we share Jesus with those who don't know Him, He knows why He created us. He's proud of us, He loves us. And the pains of childbirth, the pain that Jesus suffered for us, the pain the God feels when we disappoint Him get put aside because He loves us and He is proud of us.

Maybe its my own simplified view of God, but it makes sense to me and I am thankful that God's love is bigger than the pain.

My Newest Struggle

I have struggled with a long time what to write on my blog. There has been a lot going on, but sitting down to put it in words is hard. Where do I start and how do I keep from crying? I usually try to be funny; although I'm probably the only person who actually thinks I'm funny. But this time, I'm not sure how to make it funny!

Denny & I were surprised in February to find out we were pregnant. How exciting! We didn't expect it because, well, let's just say ovulation tests suck and a negative isn't really always negative!! Ha ha!

(PS, don't laugh at this awful picture, I'm not a good-looking pregnant woman, okay?!)

At almost 12 weeks I had an ultrasound because I was starting to get quite the swollen uterus, so Dr thought - "Maybe twins?". Well, was I sweating! First of all, my husband wants ONE kid and only one and I'm pretty sure I'll have to bribe him to have a second. Second of all, how in the WORLD do you deal with two at once! But, I told God - Your Will is Your Will. Weren't we surprised again to find out it wasn't twins, but one baby and one fibroid tumor!

Fibroid tumors are 99% non-cancerous, but I was told they can in rare cases cause complications during pregnancy. At the time I was told they would monitor me with ultrasounds to see if it would grow...as they usually do during trimester 2 due to high amounts of estrogen. So, I was sent off not to worry, baby would be fine.

Now, the part of me that tries to be funny joked that it is twins, one just doesn't have arms and legs - I imagined that our little tadpole was talking to the tumor, but the tumor doesn't respond...sick, I know.

By almost 19 weeks, my next ultrasound showed the original fibroid to have doubled in size and that there was now a second one, as well my placenta is pretty close to my cervix. Gross anatomy, sorry everyone if you don't like to here those girly-part words.

Now I'm panicking a little more, by week 22 the big fibroid, located at the top of my uterus, is like 4 inches around and the other one, in the front of my uterus is half that size. My weeks 22 ultrasound was a emergency ultrasound because the top fibroid was making me extremely nauteous pressing on my stomach. I can feel the blood pumping in it as well - it's kinda like being on a ride you didn't want to go on, but you can't get off. I had also been experiencing some pain, so that worried me a little.



Where am I at now? Well, I can't work because I'm terribly uncomfortable and am starting to experience more pain. Depending on where my little kicker is located I also can't sit as my whole inside is up so high it is too uncomfortable to explain. So, I'm sitting at home everyday, spending as much of the day in bed as I can. I am lonely, bored, afraid and depressed.

I was told by my specialist that as time passes I can assume the pain will become more and more unbearable. Fibroids only grow so big, once they reach their potential size, the blood supply gets cut off and they degenerate, or break apart, causing severe pain. I will manage this pain with bed rest and pain meds. Worst case senario, they continue to grow in size, or I grow more. Also, they are known to cause contractions and in some cases early labor.

Sitting in my 25th week, as much as I can't wait until my little darling is born - I am petrified of this happening any time soon.

So, I haven't been funny yet, but I can't think of anything good...but I will say that even though this has all bee really hard to deal with and it's unknown and it sucks that the doctor and specialist say that I will continue to suffer...I have to say, God has brought blessing, as He always does...here comes the crying.

Most of you that are reading this probably already know all this, but I wanted to put it here for anyone that wants an update and just so that I can look back later and see what has been overcome...sorry if I'm repeating myself...skip to the end...

Anyways - the good news is our baby is developing fine, like nothing is wrong. A little crowded, but has had no problems with development. And even though I'm convinced baby tries to talk to the little tumors growing with her and wonders why they are different, baby has no idea there is anything wrong.

I have been feeling this baby kick since week 16 because my uterus is more stretched than most at that stage and baby continues to kick like she's trying to beat me everyday. I am thankful for that. The minute I could feel the kicking I felt that I was going to be able to handle this. Even though sometimes she gets carried away using my bladder as a trampoline, I am so thankful she's a mover - it gives me so much joy and hope.

Another blessing is that God placed the biggest fibroid on top of my uterus. This is the best place for it to be as it is less likely to cause complications such as early labor, or block the cervix. So, if baby ever decides to stop laying across me, she might have a normal birth!

I have had amazing support from friends and family through this and I appreciate everyone's prayers for our little one. Most people know, it is a girl...it's been confirmed twice...how could it not be with the number of ultrasounds I'm having! We can't wait until our little girl knows all the people that prayed for her before they knew her.

As I walk through the rest of this, I don't know what to expect. Some days I expect to feel fine and then I have a day like Saturday where I couldn't get out of bed the whole day. But, God has given me the next 3-1/2 months to get close to Him, no excuses! I have 24 hours a day to pray, read my Bible, get angry with Him, cry with Him, reason with Him, take my lumps and discipline, worship Him and just to love Him. I have a chance to allow Him to bring a miracle into our lives and show me once again how strong I can be with His help. I am thankful for that.

Who is God to You Today?

As I was spending time thinking about God today I was thinking about who God is to me right now. In the past He has been The Teacher as I soaked up His words, hungry for everything I could learn from Him and about Him. “Men cry out under a load of oppression; they plead for relief from the arm of the powerful. But no one says “Where is God my maker, who gives songs in the night; Who teaches more to us than to the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the air?” Job 35:9-11.

Through quite a few periods of my life He has been The Provider. He has opened doors of financial provision and hope. He provided me wonderful friends when my heart was most fragile and allowed me to marry a man that brought healing to a lonely heart. God has even been My Bride Groom as I went through extreme loneliness. I remember being at home in prayer one day and I could see Him reach out His hand to me to ask me to dance with him. He danced with me everyday, and then handed me to my husband at the right time.

He has been The Warrior in my daily prayer battle. I remember a time when I would pray from morning to night and bask in His presence as I cried out to Him on behalf of those who could not battle for themselves. I connected with God as I put on the armor and stood in the gap for the hurting. “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven”. Matt 16:19.

He has been My Hope for better things to come. “But me, I’m not giving up, I’m sticking around to see what God will do. I’m waiting for God to make things right. I’m counting on God to listen to me.” Micah 7:7. His Hope has brought me encouragement through times I did not know how to get through on my own.

I’ve been struggling lately with Who God is to me today. I have to say, since I’ve been sick and struggling with my job I have felt on the outside of all understanding of who God has proved to be in my life. I mean, I know it, I believe it and I love God more than breath, but my relationship with Him feels like dead air.

It’s that awkward silence when you meet someone new and you’re husband leaves the room and you’re forced to find something to say to the person sitting in the room next to you, but you can’t think of a thing. You know, that loud silence, usually broken by that gas bubble that decides to move in your stomach and embarrass you with that loud eeerrrrreeeeeeet-t-t-t at the most inappropriate time!

With all I have experienced, with all I know about my Faithful God, with the Mighty things I’ve seen, why do I feel so dead inside? Why is my prayer time silent as I struggle with even knowing what to pray for? Why am I so lazy and too tired to spend time with the God that can heal the sick? Why do I remain in the habits that do not edify my body?

I don’t know who God is to me today, but as I seek Him; as I little-by-little invite Him to be the biggest part of my day again, I believe that God will renew my passion. I know that He will show me new things and He will restore my tired attitude.

“What I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” Rom 7:15

Maybe He is My Hope again, maybe He is My Teacher again, or maybe He is something new to me now. Maybe He is my Quest and My Mystery.

Long Hair

I have super long hair right now. Here's the problem, it's not so much the fact that I HAVE long hair, but the fact that I didn't know until November (2 months after getting married) that my husband loves long hair.

So, I have a dilema. See, I love my husband. Yes, I love him more than chocolate cake, although at certain times of the month WHILE I'm eating chocolate cake I could swear that I actually forget that I'm married because it's so yummy. But anyways - I love him, so I want to make him happy and do the things that he thinks are beautiful.

Thing is, I'm sick of combing out this scarecrow mop of browny-blonde mess every morning! You see, I didn't know BEFORE we were married he liked it - I thought he liked it shorter. Cause when I got my haircut he always said how nice it looked.

Not to say that I'm disappointed with my marriage by any means, but it's interesting the little things that come up that you didn't get to discuss before the marriage.

Like the fact that I didn't know that Denny hates grocery shopping and especially on Sundays. How was I to be prepared for the fact that every night he shares my knee pillow with me; and even though he's so skinny, he manages to use at least 3/4 of the blankets at night?

I'm sure he had no idea that only one of my eyes open for the first 1/2 hour that I'm awake, or that when I'm washing my hair I make multiple little hairballs and leave them on the side of the tub so they don't clog the drain. Apparently if you aren't aware, they can appear to be a nest of spiders crawling on the tub.

Who knew?

But the best surprise is how much he loves and supports me. I love the little notes that get left out for me when he's out for the night, the back rubs when I'm not sleeping well, the little giggles that he does when something I do is really funny.

I'm so glad there's so many surprises in marriage! God has given me a life full of surprises.

2006

Well, it's 2007. Never thought I'd make it! Denny & I were talking about "last year" and how, for lack of a better word; NOISY it was.

Last year was a tough year for me. When I recount....hhhmmmm, what happened? Well, I started the year off in January by firing the only 2 employees that worked for me. I was 2 months into my new management position and was forced to fire my only employees, leaving me with a busy department on my own.

Following that; the news that if I could get through February without earning an extra cent, I would get out of my bankruptcy without paying anything further to my trustee. I was guaranteed by my boss that our bonuses would not be rewarded until March - I was in the home stretch. I think I must have thrown up in my mouth when my boss came and told me that on February 28th, the LAST day of the month, our bonuses were "surprisingly" deposited into our accounts. Isn't that nice. That 24 hours cost me an extra $3000. There was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like watching that part on the Griswold's Christmas vacation where Clark tells his whole family he paid for a pool even though he didn't have that Christmas bonus yet. Could his family have been any more excited? Remember the tear of happiness in his eye? Then remember the crushing blow when he opened the envelope from his work to find a year's subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club? Ya, that face couldn't describe the face I had when I had to THANK my boss for the bonus that COST me $3000!

So, that behind me, I happily went on my way believing that the year was bound to get better. I, of course, had to go about the daunting and impossible task of interviewing candidate after candidate to work for me. This was inbetween my 12 hour days trying to keep the company afloat; and while offering for a salary "peanuts" that I would not even offer a rabid squirrel.

For a few months beginning the year, a very crazy reality reached up and wacked me in the face everyday - "You're dating a man that's not yet divorced"! I know most of you know, that Denny's divorce was not yet final when we began dating. We decided we would not get engaged until the divorce was final. (We also said we wouldn't kiss until the day we got married. RIGHT.) So, that meant that I would have to muster up the last granule of patience that I possibly could to wait for my boyfriend to ask me to marry him. I think I pooped a little when the divorce certificate came in the mail. You may be thinking, "Hmm, is that right that she was excited to see a marriage come to an end?"

Don't go there - that's a whole ball of feelings you don't want this Drama Queen to help you understand!

So, that precious day came on March 9th when my Boyfriend gave me a Kinder Egg with a little diamond ring as a prize. I couldn't have been happier! Finally, I was going to marry the man I loved! Any pact we made not to kiss until our wedding day was pretty much annihilated that night. Happily, like a Fuzzy Little Bunny in a park, I went skipping along knowing that life was what it should be once again. Rough start? Yes, but NOW was my time!

So, this little Fuzzy Bunny left work early one day in May. I left early to pick up my cute little neice from DayCare so I could spend the weekend with her. On the way home a lovely 2006 Silver Hyundai Accent decided to run over the Fluffy Happy Bunny! I was hit hard by a man who decided STOP signs are not manditory. Billy, my wonderful car and companion, decided to fight back and sent the man flying into a yard on the side of the road. All I have to say is, poor Raynae didn't get picked up and God Bless Billy. *A moment of silence here would be appropriate.*

What a PAIN in the butt it is to take the little bit of money you get for your old junked car and find something that you can drive with that amount. It was NOT my favorite thing to do! I attempted to learn to drive Denny's standard truck and not a word of a lie ended up completely SOAKING my pants with urine I was laughing so hard doing the funky chicken. So, since that didn't work I saw Denny 24/7. He picked me up, I saw him at work, he took me home from work and we hung out until bed time. I don't find being married to him as hard as that was!

About when this mess was over is when I decided to stop taking the medication I had been on since January for the little pockets of infection that had riddled my body since a teenager. Due to the harshness of the medication, nearly 1/3 of my hair had fallen out as a side affect, my lips were so dry I considered making a career change to start sanding furniture for a living; and the bi-weekly blood tests for my the high cholesterol that developed had taken it's toll. I was sure that I had seen my doctor so many times in 6 months that I'd be invited to her family Christmas dinner this year. (To add to all this pain, I never did get that invitation in the mail.) So, I QUIT the medication out of sheer frustration.

So, that being said, God sent a very special, very bandaged Angel to watch over me during that accident, because besides a bruised liver that healed quickly; I was not hurt seriously. AND best of all, the burn marks from the airbag washed out of my brand new pink zip-up that I was wearing - SO that HAD to be the last bad thing that would happen - after all - I was getting married!!

Fuzzy Bunny had a few burnt patches of hair, but deciding to bouce back, got in that new OLD Toyota Corolla and drove it with pride. Until July 26th when the newly named "Sally" was hit from behind. I didn't think that within 2 months I'd hear "write-off" twice. But, there I was with another ICBC cheque, looking for another new car, thinking that God MAY be laughing at me.

More work and responsibility was given to me at work. I was planning a wedding, which is enough to make any woman wish she had become a Nun at the age of 16. I was told that they needed me to take on even more and hire and train another employee. I just kept saying YES, NO problem, I can handle it! All the while I was slowly starting to feel like I wanted to walk out and quit at any moment. I had about 3 or 4 colds, but I was determined to get well and get through our wedding without falling apart.

We had the most WONDERFUL wedding. It went off wonderfully. My mom MAY have freaked out about the order of the silverwear on the table at one point, but other than that, I think ours was the best wedding I had ever seen! I had so many wonderful friends and family that made our day truly beautiful and cherished to us...

Then, on September 9th, 2006 I ceased being a virgin. I was finally a married woman and I loved it! We had the most awesome 2 nights after our wedding before our honeymoon at the River Rock Casino Resort, where we ate, did IT, won $135 and watched movies. We then got on our plane for the honeymoon that we saved and saved all year to pay cash for. We spent a week in California and 3 days before we were set to fly home, I started feeling like the year was taking its toll and I was getting a little sick. Nothing major, just a strange tired feeling. It sort-of ruined the much anticipated Magic Mountain day. I was only able to handle one big roller-coaster and it was a little tough to keep on my feet in the heat. But, we got through the last few days and still had a great time.

Unbeknownst to me, I was a carrier for Mono and one month later I began my journey into Hell on earth. I missed 3 weeks of work and spent 2 nights in Surrey Memorial Hospital. And even worse, during this time I began soul-searching. I made the dumbest decision I've ever made in my life during this time. I decided I would go to College. People in my life should have known I was loopy from the Morphine and various other drugs I was obviously on, but NO they decided to support me!

So, my wonderful, supportive husband agreed that God's leading to take a Leap of Faith was one we would follow, so here I am ushering a New Year with a goal to quit my job and everything I know to be normal; to become a 29-year-old student. Going into a field that I have never set foot into, but have an unnatural excitment for. I have $6000 to save, because I have no credit and can't get a loan, I have to work RETAIL in order to pay rent during school - all to gamble on whether or not I'll do well and actually get a job!

I lost my Granmother this year too. But, after all the hard experiences I've had this year, her death really showed me the most out of anything this year. You see, when I think about my Grandmother I think about a woman who loved God more than life. Who had struggles and her little idiosyncrasies, but always prayed, always followed, always cherished her God. She was a woman that loved her husband so much that when he passed, she went with him, though not physically. They served God together and when I think about them both, I smile. When I think about them I think of how wonderful they were; how they cared for their children and the work of God. How they took care of each other until the last minute she lost the man she loved. She was true to him every day of her marriage. She wasn't afraid to be who she was and she was proud of what God had given her, no matter how small.

So, when I think of her, I think that I want people to remember me the way I remember my Grandparents. I want the ones I leave behind to remember that I loved my God and followed Him no matter how tough. I want people to remember that all my flaws were part of my character, but that every year they noticed a new part of me being smoothed by my Maker. I want my friends, family and those who need a hand to remember that I was always there and that my heart would break for them and that I would give all of my heart to them in God's name. I want people to remember the look in my eye when I looked at my husband. How much I cared for him and loved him, how I treasured him with every action.

Last year was a tough year, and 2007 will have it's moments, but I know my God will show Himself to me this year, just as He did last year and every year of my life. I know He is faithful and as long as I am in His Will, I will be okay.

"But me, I'm not giving up. I'm sticking around to see what GOD will do. I'm waiting for God to make things right. I'm counting on God to listen to me." Micah 7:7

How to Choose

When you are faced with 3 roads before you, which do you choose? When you ask God to open a way and two doors and a window are there, how do you know which to crawl through?

When faced with a choice that can either be God's will, or Satan's distraction, how do you decifer which is the voice of the One you call on?

Here's the facts; God told me my life was going to change, that I was going to have to take a leap of faith, to trust Him. One option opened, now another has presented itself. The first has 2 options within it, the second is unknown, but shows promise to confirm several thoughts or directions once felt to be God's will.

Neither are easy, neither are sure.

It is sure that I trust God. It is sure that wherever He takes me I will be taken care of. He will be there and He will still love me.

But now, which do I choose?

Now, how will I know the right one?

Abbi and the Object Lesson

Have you ever met a person who talked about their dog like it was their child? Well, I guess today I'm that person. The moment I saw Abbi in the pet store, she called out to me with her little brown eyes and said, "I'm the perfect, cuddly little lap dog! You're going to take me home and I'm going to cuddle quietly on your lap and listen to every command you give me!"

She lied.

Big lie.

The going to hell kinda lie.

Abbi is cute, but dumb as mud. She doesn't cuddle and listening is her least famous attribute. Let's just say, what she lacks in smarts, she makes up in personality.

Since I got Abbi 2 years ago, she has eaten a pair of slippers, a pair of really nice dress shoes, 3 flip-flops, many toilet rolls, paper, a duvet cover, about 3 stuffed animals, 2 legs of my bed, a dresser corner, a whole zucchini, a whole pack of cough candies and 4 birth control pills. These are the things I can remember.

I have always had this problem with her getting into things she's not supposed to. Since she was a puppy, I've spanked her when she's eaten something bad. Sometimes, I must admit, a little harder than I should have (I REALLY like those dress shoes!).

Abbi has become so accustomed to being spanked that when she does something bad, she will run away and automatically tuck her bum under so that when I go to hit her, I miss. As IF she's not laughing inside when I'm running around the room trying to hit a 14 pound ball of hair!

Sometimes when I shower, I bring her into the bathroom with me just because she has a mischevious look in her eyes and I can tell she really wants to get into something. She has recently been caught about a 1/2 a dozen times on the coffee table, computer desk and dining room table. Now, if I was her, I'd fear me. But, now when she gets into something, when I catch her - she acutally wags her tail like crazy JUST before I get to her, then her ears go back and her bum goes down as she runs around the house laughing at me that she got away with it AGAIN!

The point of my story about my dog is not that I'm a dog freak. This morning Abbit taught me a huge lesson. I came out of the shower and Abbi was on the couch wagging her tail. I knew immediately she had eaten something again.

She had torn to bits the box from our deck of cards from off the coffee table. As I got closer to her, her floppy ears went back and she quickly reverted into cute-little-puppy mode and took off, while I was chasing her into the bedroom telling her she was a bad girl.

When she got to the bedroom, she cowered on the bed and closed her eyes. I actually had no intension of hitting her, but as she did that I yelled at her, "If you know it's bad, why do you do it?!"

It was like God spoke those words audibly to me at that moment and I began to cry. You see, God's been working on some habits in my life lately. Some things that are not pleasing to Him. There are some things I do that are causing my self-control and will-power to be put to the side. At that moment, I looked at Abbi and saw the perfect picture of God, looking at me as I cowered in the corner.

"If you know it's bad, why do you do it?" It grieves Him! It's not about how I will be punished, but how my life goes backwards when I do those things. How many things has Abbi eaten and destroyed, how dissappointed have I been in her? Imagine how much more my God grieves every time Satan defeats me in those areas of self-control in my life? How dissappointed must God be for me when I sin again and again. I CHOOSE to do it!

I walked to Abbi on the bed and sat with her for a minute. And even though she doesn't understand words, I told her I still loved her, because I know that's what God does everytime. I pet her and cried on my bed.

Thank God that no matter how many times I fall, fail, sin, dissappoint - He still loves me! He still sees me as His and tells me He loves. He's there with a corrective hand and a reminder, but it's in love and no matter what, He reminds me of what He did for me that allowed me to get away from the punishment I deserve.

So, this day I use Abbi's example to start making those changes in my life. No excuses, just forgiveness when I fall.

Christmas is Coming!

I usually hate Christmas because of my job, but this year I'm SO excited for the Christmas lights, the tree and all the festive stuff! I'm about halfway done my Christmas shopping. To be honest, Denny already got his present. I bought him a Playstation 2 from E-Bay. Even though it was brand new, I had to try it to make sure I didn't get ripped off! Besides, he was home when it came so it would have been easy for him to guess anyways.

Truth is...I can't wait to give presents and I'm WAY more excited to give than receive!

Last night after Denny & I went to a movie we came home and Abbi had found a bag of Christmas presents in the closet, she ripped it open and was proudly carrying one of the stocking-stuffer decorations shaped like a ball in her mouth. I gave her a lexture, but she was so happy. How could I take the festive spirit away from her?

Raynae is coming to stay the night tonight. I'm excited to have her. Hopefully we'll have some good fun! Maybe Dave & Charlie will be able to enjoy being alone for a while.

I was on a cleaning frenzy this morning and I used my skills to spic and span this disaster! Aaahhhhh....sigh of relief - I love a clean house.

Well, it's time to go...I think my laundry's done. I love being a wife!