Tired, Sad and Hanging On

I have been struggling with my health for 3 years now. Its funny how you live your life not knowing how much time passes. 3 years! I try often not to complain or let it get me down. I think I fail at it though. I guess when something starts to defeat you and drag you down you become bad at hiding it.

I want to say I'm strong, but I feel tired of pretending I'm okay and sad that I'm not sure what's wrong. I don't want to think of what it might be and keep telling myself - its something easily fixed and not a big deal. My biggest worry is that they'll find nothing and I'll continue getting sick.

My stomach has been bad for over a year now I guess. Really since Maddy was born. But, I've been battling so much with my immune system and exhaustion, I never thought how much my stomach was bothering me. I just figured it was because I was getting the flu all the time or because I was always so tired, maybe it was making me nauteous. Its felt like a fist has been pushing at the top of my stomach for a long time. Since may I've been getting incredible pain in my stomach...and the dreaded intense gas... At night sometimes I can feel my heart beating in my stomach - which doesn't help to get rid of feeling like throwing up.

There are a few things going on behind the scenes in our house that are also making me sad. Because of how I always feel, my poor husband shoulders a lot of the house responsibilities and it means us not spending as much time together. I'm so exhausted all the time so the bed is calling my name by 8:00. Its all the energy I can muster to take care of Maddy and work every day. My poor husband hasn't known the real me since we came back from our honeymoon and I started going downhill. He's a good man and seems not to mind - but I always pray that I can have enough strength to give him a break. To make him happy and give him time to see me well each week, each month. A glimpse into not having to think about how bad I feel.

And, I feel some days like I live alone in this. Sometimes people that have never experienced physical sickness don't understand how hard it is just to lift your head up every day. So, its hard to talk about it and say how you really feel without seeming negative. I get a sense from some that they're like - just get over it! I really am trying.

So, at this point I'm at the mercy of 2 doctors and 4 different tests this month. I pray that a diagnosis will come and that it is treatable and will get me back to the person I was.

Do I know how to pray? No, I don't know what to say. I know God's will is for us to glorify Him where we are and to have the right attitude. So I pray that God will help me through this with the right attitude.

The Psalm Lesson

Its funny how when I pick up my bible and don't know where to start reading, I can always turn to the reliable Psalms. Usually I find comfort in them. I feel as though the author sings praises to God with words I can't say. They lighten my heart and make me realize the wonder of the Lord.

Sometimes. When I pick the right one. Usually when I run to the Psalms I try to pick randomly. Though, when feeling ugly I turn right to Psalm 139.

Today I picked Psalm 35 where David is pleading with God (once again) to spare him from his enemies...promising to "give him thanks in the great assembly" if he rescues him.

What's odd is that today my lesson learned from this Psalm was not that God rescues us from those who oppose us, or that God is to be praised when he spares us from harm. Today I felt convicted that I have been making enemies of those in my life that have been challenging me. Not that they have been challenging me to be a better person, but they are in my life to challenge my character.

Last week I had a struggle with feeling frustrated with someone that I seem to be frustrated with a lot. Instead of going to God to pray for that person or stopping to check my own attitude, I turned them into an enemy and felt anger towards them. I assumed this person would continue to do things to make my life difficult with little thought to how it would affect me. I literally began to believe this person was deliberately trying to do things to harm me.

Maybe this is so, but instead of stopping and praying through it, taking a moment to breathe, I reacted and sinned. Now, my heart is set with a view of this person and I am leaning towards treating them like an enemy. They are not the enemy, Satan is and I will speak right now against Satan that would try to feed a lie to me that would cause this anger to fester and spread into other corners of my life. I ask God to bring clarity and restoration and replace this lie with the truth.

We all know Luke 6:28 - "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you". This is where I need to begin living with this and all my relationships. Whether the person is intentional in their motives or not, it is not my place to judge and I cannot allow Satan to make a stronghold because of my own hurt feelings or misunderstood words.

Matthew Henry says: (6:27-36) These are hard lessons to flesh and blood. But if we are thoroughly grounded in the faith of Christ's love, this will make his commands easy to us. Every one that comes to him for washing in his blood, and knows the greatness of the mercy and the love there is in him, can say, in truth and sincerity, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? Let us then aim to be merciful, even according to the mercy of our heavenly Father to us.

Ouch - where is my grounding? I know better. Good lesson today God, thank you.

The Great Change

I can't believe its been 6 months since I've written my thoughts. It shouldn't be a surprise really because I hardly have a chance to think anything through, never mind write it down. Our cable is out today. Isn't that a gift from GOD - because didn't I actually snuggle back into bed to read something inspirational?! My five minutes of silence reading a good book about getting myself Out of a Pit has now in-turn inspired me to talk about my pit.

I have no idea if anyone ever checks my blogs anyways - cause I'll be honest, I don't have time to check other people's...so it helps me feel a little bit more free to be honest I guess cause probably no one reads it anyways. :)

I literally haven't written my thoughts anywhere in 6 months - probably because I'm afraid of what's in my brain. I don't have time either to sit and write - which has become the source of one of my issues lately. No time. I have time to watch TV - check Facebook nearly 50 times a day and eat a snack - but nothing else. Time with God? Well - He has to fit in when I'm on the move somewhere.

See - the last couple years have been tough. And maybe my blog is a lot of complaining, but at times I feel like complaining a lot more than being happy. Especially when I write. I didn't ask for the things to happen that happened. And its not fair that now I have set patterns because of those events that are truly frustrating me. Patterns that I feel like I'm too far in to change.

I have a few nicknames - amoung them the ones that bother me the most are Drama Queen and Sassy. In themselves they are not bad, but the represent a morphing of a person that I would never have thought I'd become. I don't see myself that way. I feel too broken to be Sassy - but the truth is I have become SO broken that it comes out as Sass now. I have had some major things happen in my life and as a result of sharing those...in my own creative ways...I have become the Queen of Drama. I don't ask for the Drama - though at times I guess I do utilize the opportunity for a good story or conversation.

What I'm trying to get out is that I have fallen into a genuine pit. I got married nearly 2-1/2 years ago and on my honeymoon got Mono. My poor husband got shocked into a partnership with a vibrant woman who loved God and lived her life in an obvious outward show of that love - who became so sick and weak that she turned into someone who couldn't see God for the bed!

Then, when beginning to feel a slight ray of hope for the old healthy woman I once was - we were blessed with finding out we were having a little Vantol. I could not have been more excited. Within the first 4 weeks I then found out I was probably pregnant with twins. Well - as if the prospect of that wasn't scary enough - it wasn't twins at all, but a non-cancerous tumor that was bigger than the little baby. This lead to months of worry, tests, hospital visits and bed rest. Not so bad - right? Why would I complain...I had a beautiful healthy baby - our miracle child. Absolutely.

Now, I'm going to put in a disclaimer here - "I love my daughter with all my heart. I do not regret having her and I would DIE inside if she were ever not in my life. She is precious, beautiful, smart, cute and a true gift from God." But this entry is about me, not her.

Madison came out the cutest baby I had ever seen (of course!) and I encouraged her to cry the minute she came out so I knew that through the horrible journey of my pregnancy (which wasn't nearly as bad as some mothers have endured for certain) she was okay. Now, I didn't let her know I just wanted her to cry for a couple minutes in the delivery room - not for the rest of her days! We brought her home and she never stopped crying. Day and night...she didn't sleep for longer than 1 hour during the day, unlike other babies who could sleep all day...she cried instead. Considering the incredible pain I was in - not only was I deustional, but I thought my baby hated me and God was going to destroy me.



What I didn't know then, I know now...Madison is my spitting image. She is an official mini-Drama Queen - which only makes things for an original ceritified Drama Queen worse. All that to make the point, the last 2 years are not what I expected them to be. Maybe I'm missing some details that might make a person wonder - what's so bad about that? Its not these two events that defined or changed who I am...its the little days in between. The slow loss of my old self...the decline of the person who used to share a relationship with God...the weakness of a person's body and mind that slowly translated into I'm too tired - I'm too lazy and I don't have time to live my life for anything other than survival.

I want to come out of survival mode. But I feel like I've set such huge patterns and habits in my life that the task of changing is daunting! After all - I'm IN MY THIRTIES! I don't set New Year's Resolutions because I know I can never accomplish them. But I have to start somewhere...so here's my first day of trying one small thing every day to gain back a person who is so in love with God that it wears like an article of clothing. Who has a passion to love people. A person who can again love herself enough to treat her body as a temple. If I can't love my own body - how can I love the One who created this body?

My Children's Ministry Days

I know most of the people that sit on the right side of the church. Not because the people on the left are scary...they’re good lookin’ people! It’s because I’m part of that club...the “I need to escape as fast as I can cause I have a screeching kid club”. We’re all over there because we need to get through that door as fast as we can so we sit as close to it as possible. We’re parents.
If I asked for a show of hands how many people in church, whether on the right or left side...have children under the age of 13...how many hands would I get? Now, if I asked them to keep hand up if they have children over 13, have raised their children or have no children at all...how many would I get?

Now...if I asked how many people are afraid of children? I bet everyone would put up their hands! I have a child...she’s 8 months...see, here she is...isn’t she cute?

I’m terrified of her every day! It’s like having a rabid bunny in your house. Its cute, but don’t touch it, it could hurt you! I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and she’ll remember it and say it in the middle of the grocery store. The doctor wants to know where she gets her height from...not me - now I’m afraid she’s going to beat me up some day! What if I tell her about Jesus and she says no?

Jesus said, “Suffer the little Children to come unto me.” There are kids getting saved in our church! Isn’t that exciting?! We need to nurture them and their friends and their parents. We are the ones that need to bring them to Jesus...whether we’re scared of them or not. They can’t come on their own.

Not every job is a teaching job in front of 35 kids. Some jobs are handing out crayons and telling the kids they’re doing a good job coloring in the lines. Some jobs are clean-up, or singing silly songs, or sitting beside the little one that’s too scared to stay without a mommy or daddy.
Kids need to see Grammas and Grampas and people who have no kids, but love their little doggies or their Harleys. Whether you have children, have raised children or have no children at all, you can be a blessing! Church needs all people to volunteer with our Children.
Some may be serving in other areas of the church service...those things are important too. I just don’t want anyone to short-change themselves thinking they’re not kid people or they’re too scared. I’m terrified every Sunday and every day of my life raising my own kid. But I give it to God and I know that if I don’t...who will?

I wasn`t going to help at KAW. There was someone to watch my little one so that I could help with a small group of 5 kids. The first day I sat on my mat with those kids...their little eyes all staring at me like bats saying, “Well, you better start entertaining us!”. I was scared! I was scared because Sarah Cudmore had her kids strumming guitars and saying “Howdy Pardner” and I couldn’t think of an interesting thing to say to my kids! All the other parents were going to be better than me! But you know what...it was the most rewarding thing I did all summer! 3 of my kids asked Jesus into their hearts, because I faced my fear and just loved them.
I wish I could challenge just one person to step out of their comfort zone and come follow Jesus on the other side of the church. The more that come, the less often you’ll have to be there, but I can guarantee you’ll wish you were there every week when those kids start lovin’ you and lovin’ Jesus.

The Last Few Months

Maddy is 4 1/2 months old. I love her to pieces. It has been a struggle still, but I can't believe every day how much more that I love her. She has such big smiles as well as big cries. Her colick continued and the only way I thought to get around it was what everyone told me...just hold her all the time. I'm not built for that, I need my freedom and its becoming clear that she's figured it out that mommy will hold her to help her sleep...

Maddy was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and then we moved mid-February and she started waking up again. We changed her formula trying to get away with something cheaper thinking that her now 3 months system could handle it. We had her on it for over a month and she became increasingly crabbier. She started screaming all day and one week for 4 days straight. Denny & I broke down and decided the Good Start just wasn't working. She has mommy's digestive system it seems and has a sensitivity to something. So we switched her back. Its been over a week and my little happy girl is back...I want to squeeze her and play with her all day instead of running from her now!

She has developed stranger anxiety and I'm trying to figure out how to cure her of that now. Sometimes when she's really tired she won't even let daddy hold her. I've let people (Auntie Charlie was the first willing soul) hold her to let her scream it out, or just let strangers hold her for a bit to get her used to it. I guess she'll grow out of it.

This weekend we also started letting her cry it out to wean her from the dreaded soother. Maddy wakes up every hour and just needs the soother popped in her mouth to go back to sleep. Its disrupting our sleep and feels like we never get a full night's rest...so we decided its time she figure out a different way to sleep. She did very well, didn't cry for more than 20 minutes at a time and last night she went to bed without the soother or crying and slept all night. I even put her down for a nap this morning without her soother. I'm not "counting my chickens" yet, but we've noticed a huge improvement already. She's gone 3 days without needing the soother for more than 20 minutes tops the whole 3 days.

We moved mid February to a 2 bedroom basement suite. Its more money, but its so nice to have space!! Its huge compared to where we were and Madison has her own bedroom now - it has been wonderful!

Maddy loves her baths and kicks so hard in the water. We only have a shower in this place so we bath her in a big red Christmas storage tub. It works great! We took her swimming once and she loved that too! I taught her at 2 months to stick out her tongue when I stick it out at her...cause the books said to...and now she does it to strangers that aren't even looking at her to try to get them to do it back...its so cute, but I suppose its rude...eh!?

Madison like to talk and growl in her little baby babbling talk and she learned how to screech and loves to scream at the top of her lungs. She was 14 lb at her 4 month appointment.