I can't believe its been 6 months since I've written my thoughts. It shouldn't be a surprise really because I hardly have a chance to think anything through, never mind write it down. Our cable is out today. Isn't that a gift from GOD - because didn't I actually snuggle back into bed to read something inspirational?! My five minutes of silence reading a good book about getting myself Out of a Pit has now in-turn inspired me to talk about my pit.
I have no idea if anyone ever checks my blogs anyways - cause I'll be honest, I don't have time to check other people's...so it helps me feel a little bit more free to be honest I guess cause probably no one reads it anyways. :)
I literally haven't written my thoughts anywhere in 6 months - probably because I'm afraid of what's in my brain. I don't have time either to sit and write - which has become the source of one of my issues lately. No time. I have time to watch TV - check Facebook nearly 50 times a day and eat a snack - but nothing else. Time with God? Well - He has to fit in when I'm on the move somewhere.
See - the last couple years have been tough. And maybe my blog is a lot of complaining, but at times I feel like complaining a lot more than being happy. Especially when I write. I didn't ask for the things to happen that happened. And its not fair that now I have set patterns because of those events that are truly frustrating me. Patterns that I feel like I'm too far in to change.
I have a few nicknames - amoung them the ones that bother me the most are Drama Queen and Sassy. In themselves they are not bad, but the represent a morphing of a person that I would never have thought I'd become. I don't see myself that way. I feel too broken to be Sassy - but the truth is I have become SO broken that it comes out as Sass now. I have had some major things happen in my life and as a result of sharing those...in my own creative ways...I have become the Queen of Drama. I don't ask for the Drama - though at times I guess I do utilize the opportunity for a good story or conversation.
What I'm trying to get out is that I have fallen into a genuine pit. I got married nearly 2-1/2 years ago and on my honeymoon got Mono. My poor husband got shocked into a partnership with a vibrant woman who loved God and lived her life in an obvious outward show of that love - who became so sick and weak that she turned into someone who couldn't see God for the bed!
Then, when beginning to feel a slight ray of hope for the old healthy woman I once was - we were blessed with finding out we were having a little Vantol. I could not have been more excited. Within the first 4 weeks I then found out I was probably pregnant with twins. Well - as if the prospect of that wasn't scary enough - it wasn't twins at all, but a non-cancerous tumor that was bigger than the little baby. This lead to months of worry, tests, hospital visits and bed rest. Not so bad - right? Why would I complain...I had a beautiful healthy baby - our miracle child. Absolutely.
Now, I'm going to put in a disclaimer here - "I love my daughter with all my heart. I do not regret having her and I would DIE inside if she were ever not in my life. She is precious, beautiful, smart, cute and a true gift from God." But this entry is about me, not her.
Madison came out the cutest baby I had ever seen (of course!) and I encouraged her to cry the minute she came out so I knew that through the horrible journey of my pregnancy (which wasn't nearly as bad as some mothers have endured for certain) she was okay. Now, I didn't let her know I just wanted her to cry for a couple minutes in the delivery room - not for the rest of her days! We brought her home and she never stopped crying. Day and night...she didn't sleep for longer than 1 hour during the day, unlike other babies who could sleep all day...she cried instead. Considering the incredible pain I was in - not only was I deustional, but I thought my baby hated me and God was going to destroy me.
What I didn't know then, I know now...Madison is my spitting image. She is an official mini-Drama Queen - which only makes things for an original ceritified Drama Queen worse. All that to make the point, the last 2 years are not what I expected them to be. Maybe I'm missing some details that might make a person wonder - what's so bad about that? Its not these two events that defined or changed who I am...its the little days in between. The slow loss of my old self...the decline of the person who used to share a relationship with God...the weakness of a person's body and mind that slowly translated into I'm too tired - I'm too lazy and I don't have time to live my life for anything other than survival.
I want to come out of survival mode. But I feel like I've set such huge patterns and habits in my life that the task of changing is daunting! After all - I'm IN MY THIRTIES! I don't set New Year's Resolutions because I know I can never accomplish them. But I have to start somewhere...so here's my first day of trying one small thing every day to gain back a person who is so in love with God that it wears like an article of clothing. Who has a passion to love people. A person who can again love herself enough to treat her body as a temple. If I can't love my own body - how can I love the One who created this body?
