I have been struggling with my health for 3 years now. Its funny how you live your life not knowing how much time passes. 3 years! I try often not to complain or let it get me down. I think I fail at it though. I guess when something starts to defeat you and drag you down you become bad at hiding it.
I want to say I'm strong, but I feel tired of pretending I'm okay and sad that I'm not sure what's wrong. I don't want to think of what it might be and keep telling myself - its something easily fixed and not a big deal. My biggest worry is that they'll find nothing and I'll continue getting sick.
My stomach has been bad for over a year now I guess. Really since Maddy was born. But, I've been battling so much with my immune system and exhaustion, I never thought how much my stomach was bothering me. I just figured it was because I was getting the flu all the time or because I was always so tired, maybe it was making me nauteous. Its felt like a fist has been pushing at the top of my stomach for a long time. Since may I've been getting incredible pain in my stomach...and the dreaded intense gas... At night sometimes I can feel my heart beating in my stomach - which doesn't help to get rid of feeling like throwing up.
There are a few things going on behind the scenes in our house that are also making me sad. Because of how I always feel, my poor husband shoulders a lot of the house responsibilities and it means us not spending as much time together. I'm so exhausted all the time so the bed is calling my name by 8:00. Its all the energy I can muster to take care of Maddy and work every day. My poor husband hasn't known the real me since we came back from our honeymoon and I started going downhill. He's a good man and seems not to mind - but I always pray that I can have enough strength to give him a break. To make him happy and give him time to see me well each week, each month. A glimpse into not having to think about how bad I feel.
And, I feel some days like I live alone in this. Sometimes people that have never experienced physical sickness don't understand how hard it is just to lift your head up every day. So, its hard to talk about it and say how you really feel without seeming negative. I get a sense from some that they're like - just get over it! I really am trying.
So, at this point I'm at the mercy of 2 doctors and 4 different tests this month. I pray that a diagnosis will come and that it is treatable and will get me back to the person I was.
Do I know how to pray? No, I don't know what to say. I know God's will is for us to glorify Him where we are and to have the right attitude. So I pray that God will help me through this with the right attitude.
