As I was spending time thinking about God today I was thinking about who God is to me right now. In the past He has been The Teacher as I soaked up His words, hungry for everything I could learn from Him and about Him. “Men cry out under a load of oppression; they plead for relief from the arm of the powerful. But no one says “Where is God my maker, who gives songs in the night; Who teaches more to us than to the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the air?” Job 35:9-11.
Through quite a few periods of my life He has been The Provider. He has opened doors of financial provision and hope. He provided me wonderful friends when my heart was most fragile and allowed me to marry a man that brought healing to a lonely heart. God has even been My Bride Groom as I went through extreme loneliness. I remember being at home in prayer one day and I could see Him reach out His hand to me to ask me to dance with him. He danced with me everyday, and then handed me to my husband at the right time.
He has been The Warrior in my daily prayer battle. I remember a time when I would pray from morning to night and bask in His presence as I cried out to Him on behalf of those who could not battle for themselves. I connected with God as I put on the armor and stood in the gap for the hurting. “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven”. Matt 16:19.
He has been My Hope for better things to come. “But me, I’m not giving up, I’m sticking around to see what God will do. I’m waiting for God to make things right. I’m counting on God to listen to me.” Micah 7:7. His Hope has brought me encouragement through times I did not know how to get through on my own.
I’ve been struggling lately with Who God is to me today. I have to say, since I’ve been sick and struggling with my job I have felt on the outside of all understanding of who God has proved to be in my life. I mean, I know it, I believe it and I love God more than breath, but my relationship with Him feels like dead air.
It’s that awkward silence when you meet someone new and you’re husband leaves the room and you’re forced to find something to say to the person sitting in the room next to you, but you can’t think of a thing. You know, that loud silence, usually broken by that gas bubble that decides to move in your stomach and embarrass you with that loud eeerrrrreeeeeeet-t-t-t at the most inappropriate time!
With all I have experienced, with all I know about my Faithful God, with the Mighty things I’ve seen, why do I feel so dead inside? Why is my prayer time silent as I struggle with even knowing what to pray for? Why am I so lazy and too tired to spend time with the God that can heal the sick? Why do I remain in the habits that do not edify my body?
I don’t know who God is to me today, but as I seek Him; as I little-by-little invite Him to be the biggest part of my day again, I believe that God will renew my passion. I know that He will show me new things and He will restore my tired attitude.
“What I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” Rom 7:15
Maybe He is My Hope again, maybe He is My Teacher again, or maybe He is something new to me now. Maybe He is my Quest and My Mystery.
