Tired, Sad and Hanging On

I have been struggling with my health for 3 years now. Its funny how you live your life not knowing how much time passes. 3 years! I try often not to complain or let it get me down. I think I fail at it though. I guess when something starts to defeat you and drag you down you become bad at hiding it.

I want to say I'm strong, but I feel tired of pretending I'm okay and sad that I'm not sure what's wrong. I don't want to think of what it might be and keep telling myself - its something easily fixed and not a big deal. My biggest worry is that they'll find nothing and I'll continue getting sick.

My stomach has been bad for over a year now I guess. Really since Maddy was born. But, I've been battling so much with my immune system and exhaustion, I never thought how much my stomach was bothering me. I just figured it was because I was getting the flu all the time or because I was always so tired, maybe it was making me nauteous. Its felt like a fist has been pushing at the top of my stomach for a long time. Since may I've been getting incredible pain in my stomach...and the dreaded intense gas... At night sometimes I can feel my heart beating in my stomach - which doesn't help to get rid of feeling like throwing up.

There are a few things going on behind the scenes in our house that are also making me sad. Because of how I always feel, my poor husband shoulders a lot of the house responsibilities and it means us not spending as much time together. I'm so exhausted all the time so the bed is calling my name by 8:00. Its all the energy I can muster to take care of Maddy and work every day. My poor husband hasn't known the real me since we came back from our honeymoon and I started going downhill. He's a good man and seems not to mind - but I always pray that I can have enough strength to give him a break. To make him happy and give him time to see me well each week, each month. A glimpse into not having to think about how bad I feel.

And, I feel some days like I live alone in this. Sometimes people that have never experienced physical sickness don't understand how hard it is just to lift your head up every day. So, its hard to talk about it and say how you really feel without seeming negative. I get a sense from some that they're like - just get over it! I really am trying.

So, at this point I'm at the mercy of 2 doctors and 4 different tests this month. I pray that a diagnosis will come and that it is treatable and will get me back to the person I was.

Do I know how to pray? No, I don't know what to say. I know God's will is for us to glorify Him where we are and to have the right attitude. So I pray that God will help me through this with the right attitude.

The Psalm Lesson

Its funny how when I pick up my bible and don't know where to start reading, I can always turn to the reliable Psalms. Usually I find comfort in them. I feel as though the author sings praises to God with words I can't say. They lighten my heart and make me realize the wonder of the Lord.

Sometimes. When I pick the right one. Usually when I run to the Psalms I try to pick randomly. Though, when feeling ugly I turn right to Psalm 139.

Today I picked Psalm 35 where David is pleading with God (once again) to spare him from his enemies...promising to "give him thanks in the great assembly" if he rescues him.

What's odd is that today my lesson learned from this Psalm was not that God rescues us from those who oppose us, or that God is to be praised when he spares us from harm. Today I felt convicted that I have been making enemies of those in my life that have been challenging me. Not that they have been challenging me to be a better person, but they are in my life to challenge my character.

Last week I had a struggle with feeling frustrated with someone that I seem to be frustrated with a lot. Instead of going to God to pray for that person or stopping to check my own attitude, I turned them into an enemy and felt anger towards them. I assumed this person would continue to do things to make my life difficult with little thought to how it would affect me. I literally began to believe this person was deliberately trying to do things to harm me.

Maybe this is so, but instead of stopping and praying through it, taking a moment to breathe, I reacted and sinned. Now, my heart is set with a view of this person and I am leaning towards treating them like an enemy. They are not the enemy, Satan is and I will speak right now against Satan that would try to feed a lie to me that would cause this anger to fester and spread into other corners of my life. I ask God to bring clarity and restoration and replace this lie with the truth.

We all know Luke 6:28 - "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you". This is where I need to begin living with this and all my relationships. Whether the person is intentional in their motives or not, it is not my place to judge and I cannot allow Satan to make a stronghold because of my own hurt feelings or misunderstood words.

Matthew Henry says: (6:27-36) These are hard lessons to flesh and blood. But if we are thoroughly grounded in the faith of Christ's love, this will make his commands easy to us. Every one that comes to him for washing in his blood, and knows the greatness of the mercy and the love there is in him, can say, in truth and sincerity, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? Let us then aim to be merciful, even according to the mercy of our heavenly Father to us.

Ouch - where is my grounding? I know better. Good lesson today God, thank you.

The Great Change

I can't believe its been 6 months since I've written my thoughts. It shouldn't be a surprise really because I hardly have a chance to think anything through, never mind write it down. Our cable is out today. Isn't that a gift from GOD - because didn't I actually snuggle back into bed to read something inspirational?! My five minutes of silence reading a good book about getting myself Out of a Pit has now in-turn inspired me to talk about my pit.

I have no idea if anyone ever checks my blogs anyways - cause I'll be honest, I don't have time to check other people's...so it helps me feel a little bit more free to be honest I guess cause probably no one reads it anyways. :)

I literally haven't written my thoughts anywhere in 6 months - probably because I'm afraid of what's in my brain. I don't have time either to sit and write - which has become the source of one of my issues lately. No time. I have time to watch TV - check Facebook nearly 50 times a day and eat a snack - but nothing else. Time with God? Well - He has to fit in when I'm on the move somewhere.

See - the last couple years have been tough. And maybe my blog is a lot of complaining, but at times I feel like complaining a lot more than being happy. Especially when I write. I didn't ask for the things to happen that happened. And its not fair that now I have set patterns because of those events that are truly frustrating me. Patterns that I feel like I'm too far in to change.

I have a few nicknames - amoung them the ones that bother me the most are Drama Queen and Sassy. In themselves they are not bad, but the represent a morphing of a person that I would never have thought I'd become. I don't see myself that way. I feel too broken to be Sassy - but the truth is I have become SO broken that it comes out as Sass now. I have had some major things happen in my life and as a result of sharing those...in my own creative ways...I have become the Queen of Drama. I don't ask for the Drama - though at times I guess I do utilize the opportunity for a good story or conversation.

What I'm trying to get out is that I have fallen into a genuine pit. I got married nearly 2-1/2 years ago and on my honeymoon got Mono. My poor husband got shocked into a partnership with a vibrant woman who loved God and lived her life in an obvious outward show of that love - who became so sick and weak that she turned into someone who couldn't see God for the bed!

Then, when beginning to feel a slight ray of hope for the old healthy woman I once was - we were blessed with finding out we were having a little Vantol. I could not have been more excited. Within the first 4 weeks I then found out I was probably pregnant with twins. Well - as if the prospect of that wasn't scary enough - it wasn't twins at all, but a non-cancerous tumor that was bigger than the little baby. This lead to months of worry, tests, hospital visits and bed rest. Not so bad - right? Why would I complain...I had a beautiful healthy baby - our miracle child. Absolutely.

Now, I'm going to put in a disclaimer here - "I love my daughter with all my heart. I do not regret having her and I would DIE inside if she were ever not in my life. She is precious, beautiful, smart, cute and a true gift from God." But this entry is about me, not her.

Madison came out the cutest baby I had ever seen (of course!) and I encouraged her to cry the minute she came out so I knew that through the horrible journey of my pregnancy (which wasn't nearly as bad as some mothers have endured for certain) she was okay. Now, I didn't let her know I just wanted her to cry for a couple minutes in the delivery room - not for the rest of her days! We brought her home and she never stopped crying. Day and night...she didn't sleep for longer than 1 hour during the day, unlike other babies who could sleep all day...she cried instead. Considering the incredible pain I was in - not only was I deustional, but I thought my baby hated me and God was going to destroy me.



What I didn't know then, I know now...Madison is my spitting image. She is an official mini-Drama Queen - which only makes things for an original ceritified Drama Queen worse. All that to make the point, the last 2 years are not what I expected them to be. Maybe I'm missing some details that might make a person wonder - what's so bad about that? Its not these two events that defined or changed who I am...its the little days in between. The slow loss of my old self...the decline of the person who used to share a relationship with God...the weakness of a person's body and mind that slowly translated into I'm too tired - I'm too lazy and I don't have time to live my life for anything other than survival.

I want to come out of survival mode. But I feel like I've set such huge patterns and habits in my life that the task of changing is daunting! After all - I'm IN MY THIRTIES! I don't set New Year's Resolutions because I know I can never accomplish them. But I have to start somewhere...so here's my first day of trying one small thing every day to gain back a person who is so in love with God that it wears like an article of clothing. Who has a passion to love people. A person who can again love herself enough to treat her body as a temple. If I can't love my own body - how can I love the One who created this body?