Lost

I have been feeling really lost lately. Like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I'm not used to being in a chaotic environment since I've been home, so I have a hard time handling big group conversations; I feel like I don't do anything for anyone anymore; I'm more and more impatient; I feel cut off from the world.

I realized on Tuesday that everything about who I am has changed in the last 2-1/2 months. I'm not the person I was. God has taken me from my world and thrown me somewhere I'm not used to. It is obvious that He is shaping me, but how am I handling it? I have found myself sad and depressed, missing the old me. Feeling lonely in a world where I couldn't have more support and love!

My physical strength is tested to the limit each day. One year ago I had Mono that took all my physical strength and energy and I never re-gained that before pregnancy. Pregnancy came and so did more physical strain. With this I feel as though I have allowed my spirit to weaken as well. My strength must only be in God now.

So, how do I do that? I don't know what to do with quiet. Ask my family, I'm not quiet. But God has thrust me into the quiet for a season. I don't know if I have embraced it the way He wants me to, but this week my spirit is being tested and I want to pass it, so I am asking God to speak through the quiet. I want Him to tell me about this person He is changing me into.

I want to love people, I want to reach out to those who need God's encouragement. I want to give away what God has given me. I want to be more tolerant and listen to others. I want to be a good wife and a good mommy. I want to serve others and to discern where there is a need.

As I was reading my bible I read Romans 12. Vs 1 "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering." Vs6-8 "If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get too bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face."

How hard is that? I feel as though my hands are tied right now. I wish so badly to get involved in things, to offer my time and talents (once I decide what they are!) but physically I can't commit.

My husband will tell you that almost every day when he "suggests" I do something...the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "Don't boss me!" I think I started saying that the moment I was pulled from my mother. God is telling me to rest, to allow myself to be alone and to figure out who He's changing me to be so He can use me later. He's re-shaping who I am and who I will be. Its frustrating and hard, but to be honest, I wouldn't have made the decision for myself, so He made it for me.