How to Choose

When you are faced with 3 roads before you, which do you choose? When you ask God to open a way and two doors and a window are there, how do you know which to crawl through?

When faced with a choice that can either be God's will, or Satan's distraction, how do you decifer which is the voice of the One you call on?

Here's the facts; God told me my life was going to change, that I was going to have to take a leap of faith, to trust Him. One option opened, now another has presented itself. The first has 2 options within it, the second is unknown, but shows promise to confirm several thoughts or directions once felt to be God's will.

Neither are easy, neither are sure.

It is sure that I trust God. It is sure that wherever He takes me I will be taken care of. He will be there and He will still love me.

But now, which do I choose?

Now, how will I know the right one?

Abbi and the Object Lesson

Have you ever met a person who talked about their dog like it was their child? Well, I guess today I'm that person. The moment I saw Abbi in the pet store, she called out to me with her little brown eyes and said, "I'm the perfect, cuddly little lap dog! You're going to take me home and I'm going to cuddle quietly on your lap and listen to every command you give me!"

She lied.

Big lie.

The going to hell kinda lie.

Abbi is cute, but dumb as mud. She doesn't cuddle and listening is her least famous attribute. Let's just say, what she lacks in smarts, she makes up in personality.

Since I got Abbi 2 years ago, she has eaten a pair of slippers, a pair of really nice dress shoes, 3 flip-flops, many toilet rolls, paper, a duvet cover, about 3 stuffed animals, 2 legs of my bed, a dresser corner, a whole zucchini, a whole pack of cough candies and 4 birth control pills. These are the things I can remember.

I have always had this problem with her getting into things she's not supposed to. Since she was a puppy, I've spanked her when she's eaten something bad. Sometimes, I must admit, a little harder than I should have (I REALLY like those dress shoes!).

Abbi has become so accustomed to being spanked that when she does something bad, she will run away and automatically tuck her bum under so that when I go to hit her, I miss. As IF she's not laughing inside when I'm running around the room trying to hit a 14 pound ball of hair!

Sometimes when I shower, I bring her into the bathroom with me just because she has a mischevious look in her eyes and I can tell she really wants to get into something. She has recently been caught about a 1/2 a dozen times on the coffee table, computer desk and dining room table. Now, if I was her, I'd fear me. But, now when she gets into something, when I catch her - she acutally wags her tail like crazy JUST before I get to her, then her ears go back and her bum goes down as she runs around the house laughing at me that she got away with it AGAIN!

The point of my story about my dog is not that I'm a dog freak. This morning Abbit taught me a huge lesson. I came out of the shower and Abbi was on the couch wagging her tail. I knew immediately she had eaten something again.

She had torn to bits the box from our deck of cards from off the coffee table. As I got closer to her, her floppy ears went back and she quickly reverted into cute-little-puppy mode and took off, while I was chasing her into the bedroom telling her she was a bad girl.

When she got to the bedroom, she cowered on the bed and closed her eyes. I actually had no intension of hitting her, but as she did that I yelled at her, "If you know it's bad, why do you do it?!"

It was like God spoke those words audibly to me at that moment and I began to cry. You see, God's been working on some habits in my life lately. Some things that are not pleasing to Him. There are some things I do that are causing my self-control and will-power to be put to the side. At that moment, I looked at Abbi and saw the perfect picture of God, looking at me as I cowered in the corner.

"If you know it's bad, why do you do it?" It grieves Him! It's not about how I will be punished, but how my life goes backwards when I do those things. How many things has Abbi eaten and destroyed, how dissappointed have I been in her? Imagine how much more my God grieves every time Satan defeats me in those areas of self-control in my life? How dissappointed must God be for me when I sin again and again. I CHOOSE to do it!

I walked to Abbi on the bed and sat with her for a minute. And even though she doesn't understand words, I told her I still loved her, because I know that's what God does everytime. I pet her and cried on my bed.

Thank God that no matter how many times I fall, fail, sin, dissappoint - He still loves me! He still sees me as His and tells me He loves. He's there with a corrective hand and a reminder, but it's in love and no matter what, He reminds me of what He did for me that allowed me to get away from the punishment I deserve.

So, this day I use Abbi's example to start making those changes in my life. No excuses, just forgiveness when I fall.

Christmas is Coming!

I usually hate Christmas because of my job, but this year I'm SO excited for the Christmas lights, the tree and all the festive stuff! I'm about halfway done my Christmas shopping. To be honest, Denny already got his present. I bought him a Playstation 2 from E-Bay. Even though it was brand new, I had to try it to make sure I didn't get ripped off! Besides, he was home when it came so it would have been easy for him to guess anyways.

Truth is...I can't wait to give presents and I'm WAY more excited to give than receive!

Last night after Denny & I went to a movie we came home and Abbi had found a bag of Christmas presents in the closet, she ripped it open and was proudly carrying one of the stocking-stuffer decorations shaped like a ball in her mouth. I gave her a lexture, but she was so happy. How could I take the festive spirit away from her?

Raynae is coming to stay the night tonight. I'm excited to have her. Hopefully we'll have some good fun! Maybe Dave & Charlie will be able to enjoy being alone for a while.

I was on a cleaning frenzy this morning and I used my skills to spic and span this disaster! Aaahhhhh....sigh of relief - I love a clean house.

Well, it's time to go...I think my laundry's done. I love being a wife!

There's no WAY I'm that old!

I've really been feeling old lately! My doctor's comment about how it'll take me longer to get over mono because of my age...the fact that I'm nearly 29 and I've just gotten my first student number...the fact that my heart races when I run around the coffee table with my dog...how about the little spots turning up on my face lately - they AREN'T freckles!

The little terd that works for me is only 22. I used to be the youngest person where I work - this sucks.

We went to Dave and Charlie's church on Sunday to check out the new thang they got goin' on. It was really great. I'm so proud of my little brother. He has really grown up and is SO talented. I'm jealous. I thought the fact that I could pick things up with my toes was talented, but Dave is amazing. They were all great. There's only 3 of them - but they sound like a full band!

Yesterday was not my day. I was not having any luck. I was dropping everything I touched, broke like 3 things, I couldn't stop thinking about chocolate too! I WAS trying to do the Weight Watchers thing. Since "thin is in" I thought losing at least 5 pounds would make me feel like I needed to go to re-hab for starving people, but when you have chocolate on the brain, becoming 90 pounds isn't easy to do!

Not a word of a lie, I had a dream about eating chocolate cookies and drinking fruity coolers. What is up with that? I am crying on a dime this week too. NO, I'm not pregnant. There's just something wrong with me.

The Next Step...

On Wednesday night I took the next step in the school thing...I REGISTERED!! So, now I have to complete 2 of the 3 pre-requisits, then I find out my position in the class. The Registrar told me there is a lot of interest for this class, so I'm nervous!!

I have to say, it's a lot easier going to work knowing that I may not be there next year. It's our busiest time of year, because we do all the Save On Christmas goodies and this may be the LAST TIME I go through that "H-E-double hockey-sticks"!

I'm booked for my first pre-req, the typing test for Nov 16th, 3pm. I just have to type 40 WPM, which should be fine. I'm not worried at all about that - unless I choke. Yeesh. The one I'm worried about is the English Assessement that I'm booked for on November 25th. I haven't written an essay in 11 years - oh my word!

Denny & I have started going to a new small group, just started on Wednesday and it was really good. We really enjoyed ourselves. There's a good combination of ages from 22-46 and everyone seems really friendly and really want to get into the word. I was a little apprehensive at first, but we really enjoyed ourselves and I feel like it will be very promising.

Denny & I have also taken the next step in becoming members at our church PCC. We're very excited to become more involved there and to get to know more people. We really enjoy it there.

I'm excited to see what God has in store for us!!!

God's will

Some days never seem to end. Other days go by so quickly we wish they would never end. It seems that most days in life God’s plan for us is not the plan we have in our head for ourselves.

God has shown me over and over that seeking Him in all times, in all ways will bring more joy to my life than in waiting for the things I believe I deserve.

Psalm
13 Rise up, O LORD, confront them, bring them down; rescue me from the wicked by your sword.
14 O LORD, by your hand save me from such men, from men of this world whose reward is in this life. You still the hunger of those you cherish; their sons have plenty, and they store up wealth for their children.
15 And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.

God has taken me through much and has much for me struggle through. In all these times, He is faithful to show mercies to me along the path. In our weakness, in our oppression, in our adversity, in our affliction, He does not leave us to ourselves, but His mercies are there all along.

Some days it seems the humbling comes before the feeling that we are really getting somewhere. This is something I’ve learned the last few weeks. It seems we can be blind to who God calls us to be, we can walk around feeling like we’re in the dark, waiting for God’ rescue. Calling out for His help, as if He’s not right at hand.

1 Peter 5:6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

Matthew Henry commented on Job 35 saying: "We have no reason to complain if we have not what we expect, but we should be thankful that we have better than we deserve." In our affliction, we need to not dwell on the greatness of our suffering, but the greatness of the mercy of God. We do not notice the mercies we enjoy under our affliction, and we aren't thankful for them, so we aren't properly humbled.

I am feeling much better physically. My doctor told me to take 2 more weeks off. I think 1 will be enough at this point. I'm too bored sitting at home, and I am only getting 2/3 pay while I'm off, so I will take one more week to rest my inflamed organs, then I will go back.

I am frightened to go back. I will more than likely be punished for being away. God has really been speaking to my heart while I've been off. I guess it's when we're on our backs that we finally see Him.

IN my frustration with my job, it seems that "getting a new job" is the only option. As much as I agree and would love to up and do that, honestly, I do not know what I want to apply for. I can do any office job, I'm sure. I have experience, I can purchase anywhere, but the thought of it confuses me and doesn't make me satisfied.

SO - God has been telling me that he's going to call me to change, to take a giant leap of faith. He keeps telling me, He has always taken care of me, He has always provided. I'm scared out of my tree! I have been wanting to get into the medical field in some aspect for years. SO, I found a course I want to take, found a job I know I can do.

BUT - it means I have to get accepted in a limited program AND quit my job to go to school FULL time for 33 weeks. YEESH! Why didn't I do this 10 years ago? I guess now we'll see if the words that God has been speaking mean this. It's easy for me to think this is it, but God will be proving it over the next eleven months.

We will need about $7000 to get me through school, and I'll have to find an evening & weekend job through school in order to make sure we survive. I will have to stay with Bakemark until September when the course starts, so it's going to be a long year and a half, if this is what God is willing for us. And, of course, I have to be at Bakemark as if I'm NOT leaving, they cannot know. Without my current wages, Denny & I won't be able to save up to pay for school.

I am excited about it - and I hope that God allows it to happen, but whatever happens, I know He will take care of us.

And another thing I've learned - my husband was created for me! He is SO supportive and his heart is so huge. He wants nothing more than for me to be happy and in God's will. A decision like the one we've made is hard enough to make for one person, but this will now affect my husband and our first two years of marriage. But, his heart is set on what God wants and he's willing to support me in this, no matter what it means we have to sacrafice. It's so unreal that I have married the perfect man for me. It is far better than I could have imagined. I love him with all my heart and I know that I can do all things because Christ is in me and Christ can do all things, and I have a wonderful husband standing beside me!

I have now officially had my first overnight stay at a hospital! Whoo hoo! Saturday my throat slowly continued to swell closed. At one point I started to panic and cry, so Denny called a nurses line after we tried everything we could think of to bring some comfort to my aching throat, head and ears.

I'm so thankful that we called the nurses line, they asked a few questions and then demanded that Denny hang up and call an ambulance. He took me to emergency himself, but God's timing was perfect. By the time I had checked into emergency at just before 4 pm and was sitting in the waiting room, my neck was swollen to about 3-4 inches larger than normal, my breathing was shallow because my throat was so swollen. My tongue was swelling and I was starting to feel dizzy, like I was going to fall asleep. While we were waiting for my name to be called, my lips began to swell and get tingly - so we ended up having to go and ask to get in right away.

They made immediate room for me in the ER and got me an IV and I sat in a chair in the ER for 5 hours. The Benadryl made me SO sleepy, but I was in a chair, so I had to sleep sitting up. After I think 3 hours they told me they needed to admit me for a couple days, but I had to wait for a bed to open up. So, I say there, exhausted for a couple hours.

Denny went home to get me some things and was gone for an hour or so, still no bed. Finally just after 9:00 a bed was available, but I had to stay in the ER section for the night. OY! If it wasn't for the morphine and the drugs, not sure what the point of being in the hospital ER is, cause I wasn't getting much rest!

My nurse said it was the busiest night he'd seen since he started a few months ago. They had 2 stabbings come in, one of them was screaming for nearly 40 minutes. In the end, they opened his chest and actually had to massage his heart, but he died. Then 6 people from his family came in and they were crying for a while. There was drunk and stoned people screaming all night, the doctors were being paged "Code Blue STAT!" all night. The guy on my left had bad the poopers real bad and a phlegm problem, the guy on my right was in restraints because he was crazy. He woke up every 1/2 hour to 40 minutes screaming, "Help! Nurse! Get me out of here!" Plus the "F" word every other word. By the time 5 am rolled around, I made a fist and told my nurse I'd help him. The nurse thought it was funny, but the guy heard me and called me a "B*tch". Good thing he was tied up!

So, I was all excited on Sunday when they said they were moving me out of that room, I thought I'd get more sleep - they moved me to Pediatrics! Still in the ER> So, I got to have a change of scenery and got to hear little children crying and screaming in agony all night as doctors took candies out of their ears, gave them blood tests, stitched cuts - ya, that was better! At one point, I begged my nurse to give me something just so I could pass out and fall asleep, I didn't get more than 40 mintues sleep total at any one time before some screaming or activity would wake me up. Plus, they come in and wake you to check your vitals every hour.

I was so bored because there was no TV of course since I wasn't in the ward and walking around with my IV pole was exhausting, reading was hard because my eyes couldn't focus. So, I sat there a lot. Visiting hours were only from 2-8, so I was EXTATIC when Denny came on Sunday afternoon. He sat with me the whole 6 hours, even when they gave me morphine and knocked me out, he stayed by my side until they made the announcement visiting hours were over. He massaged lotion into my feet, he read my book to me, brought me magazines. Man - he's the best husband ever! I love him so much!

So - when they said I was allowed to come home Monday, I was itchin for them to discharge me. I was going mental in there. My meals consisted of clear fluids, because until late Sunday night I couldn't even swallow my own saliva, so I had to be able to swallow before I could leave. So, I had jello and water, juice and broth to eat for all my meals. My IV was feeding me the fluids I needed and strong antibiotics and steriods for swelling.

I was up at 4:00 am that morning WAITING and WAITING for a doctor to come and discharge me. They didn't discharge me until 10:00. Mom came to get me and I was home by 11:30, filling my perscription for more steroids and liquid antibiotics.

So, my first ever stay at a hospital, wasn't pleasant, but I'm thankful I was there because I can breathe and swallow. They always ask you how your pain is from 1-10, 10 being the worst. When I went to the hospital, I was a 10 (well, I say I was a 12 - drama queen rating) and when I left, I was a 3 - so thank God for drugs and doctors! If Denny hadn't called and made that decision as I was telling him I was getting worse, who knows what would have happened as my throat was closing. I was starting to pass out in the ER, so I'm glad it didn't happen at home - God had His hand on us!

It's 4:30 in the morning and I couldn't sleep, so I thought this might put me out. My nasal passage is still swollen, so I can't breathe out my nose and breathing in my mouth for hours dries it out and makes my throat sore, so I thought I'd get up for a bit and re-hydrate myself. Sounds like I'm a fish that fell out of it's tank!

Tonight was the first night in like close to 2 weeks I've slept in the bed with my husband - that's a blessing I THANK God for! Last night Denny & I watched TV for a while, then we turned on a worship DVD and sat on the floor in the dark and just worshiped together. I couldn't sing, but I cried a little and worshiped and prayed. That was one of the nicest moments I've had since we got back from our honeymoon. It was very romantic, even though I look the way I do and feel like this, God gave us a really nice time together before we went to bed. God is good.

Isn't this cute? It's a plushy you can get on-line of a mono cell. Awwww.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I made a caserole yesterday and nearly killed myself. I got in trouble from my husband and Charlie. So, today I'm trying not to do as much - but it's SO HARD!

I miss my husband so much! I can't kiss him, can't sleep with him (in BOTH aspects of the word) and he's gone most of the day and goes to bed before I'm tired cause he has to work.

We both feel like we live separately right now, like before we were married.

It's not all bad - I laughed last night. It was fun. That was the first time I was even able to crack a smile in three days. Ya, that was good times! I've even gotten a get well card! I've never had one of those before! That's something to be thankful for!

I was watching Joyce Meyer this morning and had to stop. You know how when you're on the verge of tears, you get that little sore throat when your face really starts to get into the cry? YA - it's a lot like someone putting a hot poker in the back of my throat right now, so feeling convicted by a television evangelist, not high on my list of fun things to do while I'm sick.

Since I still can't talk on the phone I can't even write about anyone else's life. I heard Charlie has started running - hello!? That rocks! I'm proud of her! I must say my "Never run unless you're being chased by a cop, dog, or it's raining and you have straight hair" motto is not being followed - but I'm proud of her for taking that step. And even if I didn't have the nightmarish kissing disease, I can't say I'd be jealous.

And, since I don't know about what else is happening with anyone, I'll start a rumor - she's going to run in the New York marathon and take me with her to coach her. We'll be staying at Trump Tower, penthouse suite. We've been invited by the mayor to attend a gala event at the Guggenheim where we will meet several - yes, you should be jealous, celebrities! We will first be treated to a shopping spree at Vera Wang by Oprah Winfrey who has also arranged a guided tour of New York and it's finest fire hall by none other than...you guessed it...Matthew Mcconaughey.

Sorry, I must apologize for that little tale. I have been hallucinating an aweful lot during my half-hour SLEEP MARATHONS. Hard to tell what reality is. Sleeping with mono is like going to sleep for what feels like a year: you wake up a completely different person every time.

So, since it's called the "kissing disease, I thought I might as well bring it up. All those well-meaning relatives and friends like to suggestively ask, “what you’ve been up to,” while most people will at least mention it once when you say why you’ve been MISSING for the past 3 or 4 weeks. Yes, I have been "missing" my husband. All I can say is, I will do anything to make sure Denny does not get this. In my mind, MONO feels like a Man-Cold to a man every time he's sick. So I can JUST imagine what it would be like to see Man-MONO! Lord - hear my prayers!!

And of course, there's all those people that have had mono that either laugh at you because they'be been through it, or they tell you how to get over it as quickly as possible. I have had e-mails and homeopathic books sent to me - like everyone I know is a doctor. Hee hee...I know they're just trying to help...and I appreciate it. I have been popping vitamins every 3 hours - I WILL BE WELL!!!!! (picture me shouting that at the top of my lungs, my head thrown back, standing on the kitchen table pounding my chest)

Okay I'm leaving with a computer kiss - ha ha - I just gave you Mono!!

Luvz!

Well - how do I look? I think this is a good picture! I was feeling at the top of my game here. I have been to the doctor 3 times and to emergency once already since last Friday. Tomorrow is officially a week I've been suffering with this throat and gland infection. And it's about 5 weeks of being sick for this stint. My doctor had to write me a note to stay off work until AS LEAST October 23rd. Wasn't my boss THRILLED to hear that? NOT! I think I'll be punished for a long time for this.

The pain last night from 1-10, 10 being the worst was a 12. Last night I took the first 8 steriod pills of my 5-day treatment and it made me feel like an 8 this morning! Now I'm at about a 9-1/2 again. SO, hoping the next dose I just took either kills me or brings me back to life!

So far, I've watched an entire season of Smallville and I'm halfway through watching Season 4 of 24. I pretty much sleep for a half hour at time, then I wake up choking because the hole at the back of my throat is so small, I can't swallow or breathe.

I wish I could say I'm being a "drama queen", but this really does suck. I'm trying really hard not to "go-there" and believe everything Dave & Gerry said about mono - but tonight while I was hallucinating between asleep and awake. I actually made peace with God, because I was sure that God let me get married, just so I could die!

Well - this is me signing off for the night, I hope you enjoyed my depressing view of the first week of mono.

Love you all!

Abbi and I are sitting on the couch like lumps, like we've been doing all weekend. Denny went to Thanksgiving dinner tonight without me, dinner at my parents nearly killed me last night - so I have to miss turkey tonight.

Turns out I have mono and I have the worst infection in my throat that I could have ever imagined! I've never been so sick before. I'll be sitting around with my butt on the couch again tomorrow, trying to get better. I can't even fully open my mouth to talk yet!

It's so frustrating being this sick. I feel so bad for Denny because I can't do ANYTHING! It's hard for him to see me like this, because he's used to me pushing myself to get things done, take care of him, make dinner, clean, work hard. Poor guy. But, he's so awesome - he's taking awesome care of me and he bought me flowers today for our "one-month" being married anniversary.

I keep praying he doesn't get sick. It's one thing when you're sick - but it's so hard when someone gets sick because of you, and I know it would be really hard if he had it too. (He doesn't get paid for sick days!) I can't afford to take anymore sick days after tomorrow, it'll just pile up for me and I'll be more stressed when I get back to work - it's the busiest time of year!

Speaking of praying, it seems like I don't even have the energy to do much of that lately either. I feel really disconected from God right now - I really am disappointed that I don't make more of an effort. THAT is what I should be praying about!

I know, I know it's been a LONG time! It's been a crazy and busy year. So much has happened and I'm excited about what's to come.

I'm at home sick today, couldn't sleep, tired of watching TV, don't have the strength to do anything around the house....SO I thought, "How about that blog that I never seem to update!"

Denny and I were married September 9th. It was such an awesome day! I really wanted to elope, but since we didn't, I have to say that it was an awesome wedding that went according to plan! Everyone that helped was so awesome and we're grateful for all that everyone did.

We keep saying that the best part of the whole thing was getting to the hotel afterwards and just crashing! We went to the River Rock and it's a beautiful hotel. We jumped on the luxurious bed and went for dinner. It was an awesome night. We were pretty emotional from the day and so tired and happy. We remembered how the whole day went and the day before preparing and went over every detail we could remember, cause it went by SO fast!

My first night as a married woman was perfect! I finally got to fall asleep in the arms of the man I love!

Anyways - I should type more later...it's time for some more medication....