My Newest Struggle

I have struggled with a long time what to write on my blog. There has been a lot going on, but sitting down to put it in words is hard. Where do I start and how do I keep from crying? I usually try to be funny; although I'm probably the only person who actually thinks I'm funny. But this time, I'm not sure how to make it funny!

Denny & I were surprised in February to find out we were pregnant. How exciting! We didn't expect it because, well, let's just say ovulation tests suck and a negative isn't really always negative!! Ha ha!

(PS, don't laugh at this awful picture, I'm not a good-looking pregnant woman, okay?!)

At almost 12 weeks I had an ultrasound because I was starting to get quite the swollen uterus, so Dr thought - "Maybe twins?". Well, was I sweating! First of all, my husband wants ONE kid and only one and I'm pretty sure I'll have to bribe him to have a second. Second of all, how in the WORLD do you deal with two at once! But, I told God - Your Will is Your Will. Weren't we surprised again to find out it wasn't twins, but one baby and one fibroid tumor!

Fibroid tumors are 99% non-cancerous, but I was told they can in rare cases cause complications during pregnancy. At the time I was told they would monitor me with ultrasounds to see if it would grow...as they usually do during trimester 2 due to high amounts of estrogen. So, I was sent off not to worry, baby would be fine.

Now, the part of me that tries to be funny joked that it is twins, one just doesn't have arms and legs - I imagined that our little tadpole was talking to the tumor, but the tumor doesn't respond...sick, I know.

By almost 19 weeks, my next ultrasound showed the original fibroid to have doubled in size and that there was now a second one, as well my placenta is pretty close to my cervix. Gross anatomy, sorry everyone if you don't like to here those girly-part words.

Now I'm panicking a little more, by week 22 the big fibroid, located at the top of my uterus, is like 4 inches around and the other one, in the front of my uterus is half that size. My weeks 22 ultrasound was a emergency ultrasound because the top fibroid was making me extremely nauteous pressing on my stomach. I can feel the blood pumping in it as well - it's kinda like being on a ride you didn't want to go on, but you can't get off. I had also been experiencing some pain, so that worried me a little.



Where am I at now? Well, I can't work because I'm terribly uncomfortable and am starting to experience more pain. Depending on where my little kicker is located I also can't sit as my whole inside is up so high it is too uncomfortable to explain. So, I'm sitting at home everyday, spending as much of the day in bed as I can. I am lonely, bored, afraid and depressed.

I was told by my specialist that as time passes I can assume the pain will become more and more unbearable. Fibroids only grow so big, once they reach their potential size, the blood supply gets cut off and they degenerate, or break apart, causing severe pain. I will manage this pain with bed rest and pain meds. Worst case senario, they continue to grow in size, or I grow more. Also, they are known to cause contractions and in some cases early labor.

Sitting in my 25th week, as much as I can't wait until my little darling is born - I am petrified of this happening any time soon.

So, I haven't been funny yet, but I can't think of anything good...but I will say that even though this has all bee really hard to deal with and it's unknown and it sucks that the doctor and specialist say that I will continue to suffer...I have to say, God has brought blessing, as He always does...here comes the crying.

Most of you that are reading this probably already know all this, but I wanted to put it here for anyone that wants an update and just so that I can look back later and see what has been overcome...sorry if I'm repeating myself...skip to the end...

Anyways - the good news is our baby is developing fine, like nothing is wrong. A little crowded, but has had no problems with development. And even though I'm convinced baby tries to talk to the little tumors growing with her and wonders why they are different, baby has no idea there is anything wrong.

I have been feeling this baby kick since week 16 because my uterus is more stretched than most at that stage and baby continues to kick like she's trying to beat me everyday. I am thankful for that. The minute I could feel the kicking I felt that I was going to be able to handle this. Even though sometimes she gets carried away using my bladder as a trampoline, I am so thankful she's a mover - it gives me so much joy and hope.

Another blessing is that God placed the biggest fibroid on top of my uterus. This is the best place for it to be as it is less likely to cause complications such as early labor, or block the cervix. So, if baby ever decides to stop laying across me, she might have a normal birth!

I have had amazing support from friends and family through this and I appreciate everyone's prayers for our little one. Most people know, it is a girl...it's been confirmed twice...how could it not be with the number of ultrasounds I'm having! We can't wait until our little girl knows all the people that prayed for her before they knew her.

As I walk through the rest of this, I don't know what to expect. Some days I expect to feel fine and then I have a day like Saturday where I couldn't get out of bed the whole day. But, God has given me the next 3-1/2 months to get close to Him, no excuses! I have 24 hours a day to pray, read my Bible, get angry with Him, cry with Him, reason with Him, take my lumps and discipline, worship Him and just to love Him. I have a chance to allow Him to bring a miracle into our lives and show me once again how strong I can be with His help. I am thankful for that.

Who is God to You Today?

As I was spending time thinking about God today I was thinking about who God is to me right now. In the past He has been The Teacher as I soaked up His words, hungry for everything I could learn from Him and about Him. “Men cry out under a load of oppression; they plead for relief from the arm of the powerful. But no one says “Where is God my maker, who gives songs in the night; Who teaches more to us than to the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the air?” Job 35:9-11.

Through quite a few periods of my life He has been The Provider. He has opened doors of financial provision and hope. He provided me wonderful friends when my heart was most fragile and allowed me to marry a man that brought healing to a lonely heart. God has even been My Bride Groom as I went through extreme loneliness. I remember being at home in prayer one day and I could see Him reach out His hand to me to ask me to dance with him. He danced with me everyday, and then handed me to my husband at the right time.

He has been The Warrior in my daily prayer battle. I remember a time when I would pray from morning to night and bask in His presence as I cried out to Him on behalf of those who could not battle for themselves. I connected with God as I put on the armor and stood in the gap for the hurting. “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven”. Matt 16:19.

He has been My Hope for better things to come. “But me, I’m not giving up, I’m sticking around to see what God will do. I’m waiting for God to make things right. I’m counting on God to listen to me.” Micah 7:7. His Hope has brought me encouragement through times I did not know how to get through on my own.

I’ve been struggling lately with Who God is to me today. I have to say, since I’ve been sick and struggling with my job I have felt on the outside of all understanding of who God has proved to be in my life. I mean, I know it, I believe it and I love God more than breath, but my relationship with Him feels like dead air.

It’s that awkward silence when you meet someone new and you’re husband leaves the room and you’re forced to find something to say to the person sitting in the room next to you, but you can’t think of a thing. You know, that loud silence, usually broken by that gas bubble that decides to move in your stomach and embarrass you with that loud eeerrrrreeeeeeet-t-t-t at the most inappropriate time!

With all I have experienced, with all I know about my Faithful God, with the Mighty things I’ve seen, why do I feel so dead inside? Why is my prayer time silent as I struggle with even knowing what to pray for? Why am I so lazy and too tired to spend time with the God that can heal the sick? Why do I remain in the habits that do not edify my body?

I don’t know who God is to me today, but as I seek Him; as I little-by-little invite Him to be the biggest part of my day again, I believe that God will renew my passion. I know that He will show me new things and He will restore my tired attitude.

“What I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” Rom 7:15

Maybe He is My Hope again, maybe He is My Teacher again, or maybe He is something new to me now. Maybe He is my Quest and My Mystery.

Long Hair

I have super long hair right now. Here's the problem, it's not so much the fact that I HAVE long hair, but the fact that I didn't know until November (2 months after getting married) that my husband loves long hair.

So, I have a dilema. See, I love my husband. Yes, I love him more than chocolate cake, although at certain times of the month WHILE I'm eating chocolate cake I could swear that I actually forget that I'm married because it's so yummy. But anyways - I love him, so I want to make him happy and do the things that he thinks are beautiful.

Thing is, I'm sick of combing out this scarecrow mop of browny-blonde mess every morning! You see, I didn't know BEFORE we were married he liked it - I thought he liked it shorter. Cause when I got my haircut he always said how nice it looked.

Not to say that I'm disappointed with my marriage by any means, but it's interesting the little things that come up that you didn't get to discuss before the marriage.

Like the fact that I didn't know that Denny hates grocery shopping and especially on Sundays. How was I to be prepared for the fact that every night he shares my knee pillow with me; and even though he's so skinny, he manages to use at least 3/4 of the blankets at night?

I'm sure he had no idea that only one of my eyes open for the first 1/2 hour that I'm awake, or that when I'm washing my hair I make multiple little hairballs and leave them on the side of the tub so they don't clog the drain. Apparently if you aren't aware, they can appear to be a nest of spiders crawling on the tub.

Who knew?

But the best surprise is how much he loves and supports me. I love the little notes that get left out for me when he's out for the night, the back rubs when I'm not sleeping well, the little giggles that he does when something I do is really funny.

I'm so glad there's so many surprises in marriage! God has given me a life full of surprises.

2006

Well, it's 2007. Never thought I'd make it! Denny & I were talking about "last year" and how, for lack of a better word; NOISY it was.

Last year was a tough year for me. When I recount....hhhmmmm, what happened? Well, I started the year off in January by firing the only 2 employees that worked for me. I was 2 months into my new management position and was forced to fire my only employees, leaving me with a busy department on my own.

Following that; the news that if I could get through February without earning an extra cent, I would get out of my bankruptcy without paying anything further to my trustee. I was guaranteed by my boss that our bonuses would not be rewarded until March - I was in the home stretch. I think I must have thrown up in my mouth when my boss came and told me that on February 28th, the LAST day of the month, our bonuses were "surprisingly" deposited into our accounts. Isn't that nice. That 24 hours cost me an extra $3000. There was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like watching that part on the Griswold's Christmas vacation where Clark tells his whole family he paid for a pool even though he didn't have that Christmas bonus yet. Could his family have been any more excited? Remember the tear of happiness in his eye? Then remember the crushing blow when he opened the envelope from his work to find a year's subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club? Ya, that face couldn't describe the face I had when I had to THANK my boss for the bonus that COST me $3000!

So, that behind me, I happily went on my way believing that the year was bound to get better. I, of course, had to go about the daunting and impossible task of interviewing candidate after candidate to work for me. This was inbetween my 12 hour days trying to keep the company afloat; and while offering for a salary "peanuts" that I would not even offer a rabid squirrel.

For a few months beginning the year, a very crazy reality reached up and wacked me in the face everyday - "You're dating a man that's not yet divorced"! I know most of you know, that Denny's divorce was not yet final when we began dating. We decided we would not get engaged until the divorce was final. (We also said we wouldn't kiss until the day we got married. RIGHT.) So, that meant that I would have to muster up the last granule of patience that I possibly could to wait for my boyfriend to ask me to marry him. I think I pooped a little when the divorce certificate came in the mail. You may be thinking, "Hmm, is that right that she was excited to see a marriage come to an end?"

Don't go there - that's a whole ball of feelings you don't want this Drama Queen to help you understand!

So, that precious day came on March 9th when my Boyfriend gave me a Kinder Egg with a little diamond ring as a prize. I couldn't have been happier! Finally, I was going to marry the man I loved! Any pact we made not to kiss until our wedding day was pretty much annihilated that night. Happily, like a Fuzzy Little Bunny in a park, I went skipping along knowing that life was what it should be once again. Rough start? Yes, but NOW was my time!

So, this little Fuzzy Bunny left work early one day in May. I left early to pick up my cute little neice from DayCare so I could spend the weekend with her. On the way home a lovely 2006 Silver Hyundai Accent decided to run over the Fluffy Happy Bunny! I was hit hard by a man who decided STOP signs are not manditory. Billy, my wonderful car and companion, decided to fight back and sent the man flying into a yard on the side of the road. All I have to say is, poor Raynae didn't get picked up and God Bless Billy. *A moment of silence here would be appropriate.*

What a PAIN in the butt it is to take the little bit of money you get for your old junked car and find something that you can drive with that amount. It was NOT my favorite thing to do! I attempted to learn to drive Denny's standard truck and not a word of a lie ended up completely SOAKING my pants with urine I was laughing so hard doing the funky chicken. So, since that didn't work I saw Denny 24/7. He picked me up, I saw him at work, he took me home from work and we hung out until bed time. I don't find being married to him as hard as that was!

About when this mess was over is when I decided to stop taking the medication I had been on since January for the little pockets of infection that had riddled my body since a teenager. Due to the harshness of the medication, nearly 1/3 of my hair had fallen out as a side affect, my lips were so dry I considered making a career change to start sanding furniture for a living; and the bi-weekly blood tests for my the high cholesterol that developed had taken it's toll. I was sure that I had seen my doctor so many times in 6 months that I'd be invited to her family Christmas dinner this year. (To add to all this pain, I never did get that invitation in the mail.) So, I QUIT the medication out of sheer frustration.

So, that being said, God sent a very special, very bandaged Angel to watch over me during that accident, because besides a bruised liver that healed quickly; I was not hurt seriously. AND best of all, the burn marks from the airbag washed out of my brand new pink zip-up that I was wearing - SO that HAD to be the last bad thing that would happen - after all - I was getting married!!

Fuzzy Bunny had a few burnt patches of hair, but deciding to bouce back, got in that new OLD Toyota Corolla and drove it with pride. Until July 26th when the newly named "Sally" was hit from behind. I didn't think that within 2 months I'd hear "write-off" twice. But, there I was with another ICBC cheque, looking for another new car, thinking that God MAY be laughing at me.

More work and responsibility was given to me at work. I was planning a wedding, which is enough to make any woman wish she had become a Nun at the age of 16. I was told that they needed me to take on even more and hire and train another employee. I just kept saying YES, NO problem, I can handle it! All the while I was slowly starting to feel like I wanted to walk out and quit at any moment. I had about 3 or 4 colds, but I was determined to get well and get through our wedding without falling apart.

We had the most WONDERFUL wedding. It went off wonderfully. My mom MAY have freaked out about the order of the silverwear on the table at one point, but other than that, I think ours was the best wedding I had ever seen! I had so many wonderful friends and family that made our day truly beautiful and cherished to us...

Then, on September 9th, 2006 I ceased being a virgin. I was finally a married woman and I loved it! We had the most awesome 2 nights after our wedding before our honeymoon at the River Rock Casino Resort, where we ate, did IT, won $135 and watched movies. We then got on our plane for the honeymoon that we saved and saved all year to pay cash for. We spent a week in California and 3 days before we were set to fly home, I started feeling like the year was taking its toll and I was getting a little sick. Nothing major, just a strange tired feeling. It sort-of ruined the much anticipated Magic Mountain day. I was only able to handle one big roller-coaster and it was a little tough to keep on my feet in the heat. But, we got through the last few days and still had a great time.

Unbeknownst to me, I was a carrier for Mono and one month later I began my journey into Hell on earth. I missed 3 weeks of work and spent 2 nights in Surrey Memorial Hospital. And even worse, during this time I began soul-searching. I made the dumbest decision I've ever made in my life during this time. I decided I would go to College. People in my life should have known I was loopy from the Morphine and various other drugs I was obviously on, but NO they decided to support me!

So, my wonderful, supportive husband agreed that God's leading to take a Leap of Faith was one we would follow, so here I am ushering a New Year with a goal to quit my job and everything I know to be normal; to become a 29-year-old student. Going into a field that I have never set foot into, but have an unnatural excitment for. I have $6000 to save, because I have no credit and can't get a loan, I have to work RETAIL in order to pay rent during school - all to gamble on whether or not I'll do well and actually get a job!

I lost my Granmother this year too. But, after all the hard experiences I've had this year, her death really showed me the most out of anything this year. You see, when I think about my Grandmother I think about a woman who loved God more than life. Who had struggles and her little idiosyncrasies, but always prayed, always followed, always cherished her God. She was a woman that loved her husband so much that when he passed, she went with him, though not physically. They served God together and when I think about them both, I smile. When I think about them I think of how wonderful they were; how they cared for their children and the work of God. How they took care of each other until the last minute she lost the man she loved. She was true to him every day of her marriage. She wasn't afraid to be who she was and she was proud of what God had given her, no matter how small.

So, when I think of her, I think that I want people to remember me the way I remember my Grandparents. I want the ones I leave behind to remember that I loved my God and followed Him no matter how tough. I want people to remember that all my flaws were part of my character, but that every year they noticed a new part of me being smoothed by my Maker. I want my friends, family and those who need a hand to remember that I was always there and that my heart would break for them and that I would give all of my heart to them in God's name. I want people to remember the look in my eye when I looked at my husband. How much I cared for him and loved him, how I treasured him with every action.

Last year was a tough year, and 2007 will have it's moments, but I know my God will show Himself to me this year, just as He did last year and every year of my life. I know He is faithful and as long as I am in His Will, I will be okay.

"But me, I'm not giving up. I'm sticking around to see what GOD will do. I'm waiting for God to make things right. I'm counting on God to listen to me." Micah 7:7

How to Choose

When you are faced with 3 roads before you, which do you choose? When you ask God to open a way and two doors and a window are there, how do you know which to crawl through?

When faced with a choice that can either be God's will, or Satan's distraction, how do you decifer which is the voice of the One you call on?

Here's the facts; God told me my life was going to change, that I was going to have to take a leap of faith, to trust Him. One option opened, now another has presented itself. The first has 2 options within it, the second is unknown, but shows promise to confirm several thoughts or directions once felt to be God's will.

Neither are easy, neither are sure.

It is sure that I trust God. It is sure that wherever He takes me I will be taken care of. He will be there and He will still love me.

But now, which do I choose?

Now, how will I know the right one?

Abbi and the Object Lesson

Have you ever met a person who talked about their dog like it was their child? Well, I guess today I'm that person. The moment I saw Abbi in the pet store, she called out to me with her little brown eyes and said, "I'm the perfect, cuddly little lap dog! You're going to take me home and I'm going to cuddle quietly on your lap and listen to every command you give me!"

She lied.

Big lie.

The going to hell kinda lie.

Abbi is cute, but dumb as mud. She doesn't cuddle and listening is her least famous attribute. Let's just say, what she lacks in smarts, she makes up in personality.

Since I got Abbi 2 years ago, she has eaten a pair of slippers, a pair of really nice dress shoes, 3 flip-flops, many toilet rolls, paper, a duvet cover, about 3 stuffed animals, 2 legs of my bed, a dresser corner, a whole zucchini, a whole pack of cough candies and 4 birth control pills. These are the things I can remember.

I have always had this problem with her getting into things she's not supposed to. Since she was a puppy, I've spanked her when she's eaten something bad. Sometimes, I must admit, a little harder than I should have (I REALLY like those dress shoes!).

Abbi has become so accustomed to being spanked that when she does something bad, she will run away and automatically tuck her bum under so that when I go to hit her, I miss. As IF she's not laughing inside when I'm running around the room trying to hit a 14 pound ball of hair!

Sometimes when I shower, I bring her into the bathroom with me just because she has a mischevious look in her eyes and I can tell she really wants to get into something. She has recently been caught about a 1/2 a dozen times on the coffee table, computer desk and dining room table. Now, if I was her, I'd fear me. But, now when she gets into something, when I catch her - she acutally wags her tail like crazy JUST before I get to her, then her ears go back and her bum goes down as she runs around the house laughing at me that she got away with it AGAIN!

The point of my story about my dog is not that I'm a dog freak. This morning Abbit taught me a huge lesson. I came out of the shower and Abbi was on the couch wagging her tail. I knew immediately she had eaten something again.

She had torn to bits the box from our deck of cards from off the coffee table. As I got closer to her, her floppy ears went back and she quickly reverted into cute-little-puppy mode and took off, while I was chasing her into the bedroom telling her she was a bad girl.

When she got to the bedroom, she cowered on the bed and closed her eyes. I actually had no intension of hitting her, but as she did that I yelled at her, "If you know it's bad, why do you do it?!"

It was like God spoke those words audibly to me at that moment and I began to cry. You see, God's been working on some habits in my life lately. Some things that are not pleasing to Him. There are some things I do that are causing my self-control and will-power to be put to the side. At that moment, I looked at Abbi and saw the perfect picture of God, looking at me as I cowered in the corner.

"If you know it's bad, why do you do it?" It grieves Him! It's not about how I will be punished, but how my life goes backwards when I do those things. How many things has Abbi eaten and destroyed, how dissappointed have I been in her? Imagine how much more my God grieves every time Satan defeats me in those areas of self-control in my life? How dissappointed must God be for me when I sin again and again. I CHOOSE to do it!

I walked to Abbi on the bed and sat with her for a minute. And even though she doesn't understand words, I told her I still loved her, because I know that's what God does everytime. I pet her and cried on my bed.

Thank God that no matter how many times I fall, fail, sin, dissappoint - He still loves me! He still sees me as His and tells me He loves. He's there with a corrective hand and a reminder, but it's in love and no matter what, He reminds me of what He did for me that allowed me to get away from the punishment I deserve.

So, this day I use Abbi's example to start making those changes in my life. No excuses, just forgiveness when I fall.

Christmas is Coming!

I usually hate Christmas because of my job, but this year I'm SO excited for the Christmas lights, the tree and all the festive stuff! I'm about halfway done my Christmas shopping. To be honest, Denny already got his present. I bought him a Playstation 2 from E-Bay. Even though it was brand new, I had to try it to make sure I didn't get ripped off! Besides, he was home when it came so it would have been easy for him to guess anyways.

Truth is...I can't wait to give presents and I'm WAY more excited to give than receive!

Last night after Denny & I went to a movie we came home and Abbi had found a bag of Christmas presents in the closet, she ripped it open and was proudly carrying one of the stocking-stuffer decorations shaped like a ball in her mouth. I gave her a lexture, but she was so happy. How could I take the festive spirit away from her?

Raynae is coming to stay the night tonight. I'm excited to have her. Hopefully we'll have some good fun! Maybe Dave & Charlie will be able to enjoy being alone for a while.

I was on a cleaning frenzy this morning and I used my skills to spic and span this disaster! Aaahhhhh....sigh of relief - I love a clean house.

Well, it's time to go...I think my laundry's done. I love being a wife!

There's no WAY I'm that old!

I've really been feeling old lately! My doctor's comment about how it'll take me longer to get over mono because of my age...the fact that I'm nearly 29 and I've just gotten my first student number...the fact that my heart races when I run around the coffee table with my dog...how about the little spots turning up on my face lately - they AREN'T freckles!

The little terd that works for me is only 22. I used to be the youngest person where I work - this sucks.

We went to Dave and Charlie's church on Sunday to check out the new thang they got goin' on. It was really great. I'm so proud of my little brother. He has really grown up and is SO talented. I'm jealous. I thought the fact that I could pick things up with my toes was talented, but Dave is amazing. They were all great. There's only 3 of them - but they sound like a full band!

Yesterday was not my day. I was not having any luck. I was dropping everything I touched, broke like 3 things, I couldn't stop thinking about chocolate too! I WAS trying to do the Weight Watchers thing. Since "thin is in" I thought losing at least 5 pounds would make me feel like I needed to go to re-hab for starving people, but when you have chocolate on the brain, becoming 90 pounds isn't easy to do!

Not a word of a lie, I had a dream about eating chocolate cookies and drinking fruity coolers. What is up with that? I am crying on a dime this week too. NO, I'm not pregnant. There's just something wrong with me.

The Next Step...

On Wednesday night I took the next step in the school thing...I REGISTERED!! So, now I have to complete 2 of the 3 pre-requisits, then I find out my position in the class. The Registrar told me there is a lot of interest for this class, so I'm nervous!!

I have to say, it's a lot easier going to work knowing that I may not be there next year. It's our busiest time of year, because we do all the Save On Christmas goodies and this may be the LAST TIME I go through that "H-E-double hockey-sticks"!

I'm booked for my first pre-req, the typing test for Nov 16th, 3pm. I just have to type 40 WPM, which should be fine. I'm not worried at all about that - unless I choke. Yeesh. The one I'm worried about is the English Assessement that I'm booked for on November 25th. I haven't written an essay in 11 years - oh my word!

Denny & I have started going to a new small group, just started on Wednesday and it was really good. We really enjoyed ourselves. There's a good combination of ages from 22-46 and everyone seems really friendly and really want to get into the word. I was a little apprehensive at first, but we really enjoyed ourselves and I feel like it will be very promising.

Denny & I have also taken the next step in becoming members at our church PCC. We're very excited to become more involved there and to get to know more people. We really enjoy it there.

I'm excited to see what God has in store for us!!!

God's will

Some days never seem to end. Other days go by so quickly we wish they would never end. It seems that most days in life God’s plan for us is not the plan we have in our head for ourselves.

God has shown me over and over that seeking Him in all times, in all ways will bring more joy to my life than in waiting for the things I believe I deserve.

Psalm
13 Rise up, O LORD, confront them, bring them down; rescue me from the wicked by your sword.
14 O LORD, by your hand save me from such men, from men of this world whose reward is in this life. You still the hunger of those you cherish; their sons have plenty, and they store up wealth for their children.
15 And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.

God has taken me through much and has much for me struggle through. In all these times, He is faithful to show mercies to me along the path. In our weakness, in our oppression, in our adversity, in our affliction, He does not leave us to ourselves, but His mercies are there all along.

Some days it seems the humbling comes before the feeling that we are really getting somewhere. This is something I’ve learned the last few weeks. It seems we can be blind to who God calls us to be, we can walk around feeling like we’re in the dark, waiting for God’ rescue. Calling out for His help, as if He’s not right at hand.

1 Peter 5:6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

Matthew Henry commented on Job 35 saying: "We have no reason to complain if we have not what we expect, but we should be thankful that we have better than we deserve." In our affliction, we need to not dwell on the greatness of our suffering, but the greatness of the mercy of God. We do not notice the mercies we enjoy under our affliction, and we aren't thankful for them, so we aren't properly humbled.

I am feeling much better physically. My doctor told me to take 2 more weeks off. I think 1 will be enough at this point. I'm too bored sitting at home, and I am only getting 2/3 pay while I'm off, so I will take one more week to rest my inflamed organs, then I will go back.

I am frightened to go back. I will more than likely be punished for being away. God has really been speaking to my heart while I've been off. I guess it's when we're on our backs that we finally see Him.

IN my frustration with my job, it seems that "getting a new job" is the only option. As much as I agree and would love to up and do that, honestly, I do not know what I want to apply for. I can do any office job, I'm sure. I have experience, I can purchase anywhere, but the thought of it confuses me and doesn't make me satisfied.

SO - God has been telling me that he's going to call me to change, to take a giant leap of faith. He keeps telling me, He has always taken care of me, He has always provided. I'm scared out of my tree! I have been wanting to get into the medical field in some aspect for years. SO, I found a course I want to take, found a job I know I can do.

BUT - it means I have to get accepted in a limited program AND quit my job to go to school FULL time for 33 weeks. YEESH! Why didn't I do this 10 years ago? I guess now we'll see if the words that God has been speaking mean this. It's easy for me to think this is it, but God will be proving it over the next eleven months.

We will need about $7000 to get me through school, and I'll have to find an evening & weekend job through school in order to make sure we survive. I will have to stay with Bakemark until September when the course starts, so it's going to be a long year and a half, if this is what God is willing for us. And, of course, I have to be at Bakemark as if I'm NOT leaving, they cannot know. Without my current wages, Denny & I won't be able to save up to pay for school.

I am excited about it - and I hope that God allows it to happen, but whatever happens, I know He will take care of us.

And another thing I've learned - my husband was created for me! He is SO supportive and his heart is so huge. He wants nothing more than for me to be happy and in God's will. A decision like the one we've made is hard enough to make for one person, but this will now affect my husband and our first two years of marriage. But, his heart is set on what God wants and he's willing to support me in this, no matter what it means we have to sacrafice. It's so unreal that I have married the perfect man for me. It is far better than I could have imagined. I love him with all my heart and I know that I can do all things because Christ is in me and Christ can do all things, and I have a wonderful husband standing beside me!

I have now officially had my first overnight stay at a hospital! Whoo hoo! Saturday my throat slowly continued to swell closed. At one point I started to panic and cry, so Denny called a nurses line after we tried everything we could think of to bring some comfort to my aching throat, head and ears.

I'm so thankful that we called the nurses line, they asked a few questions and then demanded that Denny hang up and call an ambulance. He took me to emergency himself, but God's timing was perfect. By the time I had checked into emergency at just before 4 pm and was sitting in the waiting room, my neck was swollen to about 3-4 inches larger than normal, my breathing was shallow because my throat was so swollen. My tongue was swelling and I was starting to feel dizzy, like I was going to fall asleep. While we were waiting for my name to be called, my lips began to swell and get tingly - so we ended up having to go and ask to get in right away.

They made immediate room for me in the ER and got me an IV and I sat in a chair in the ER for 5 hours. The Benadryl made me SO sleepy, but I was in a chair, so I had to sleep sitting up. After I think 3 hours they told me they needed to admit me for a couple days, but I had to wait for a bed to open up. So, I say there, exhausted for a couple hours.

Denny went home to get me some things and was gone for an hour or so, still no bed. Finally just after 9:00 a bed was available, but I had to stay in the ER section for the night. OY! If it wasn't for the morphine and the drugs, not sure what the point of being in the hospital ER is, cause I wasn't getting much rest!

My nurse said it was the busiest night he'd seen since he started a few months ago. They had 2 stabbings come in, one of them was screaming for nearly 40 minutes. In the end, they opened his chest and actually had to massage his heart, but he died. Then 6 people from his family came in and they were crying for a while. There was drunk and stoned people screaming all night, the doctors were being paged "Code Blue STAT!" all night. The guy on my left had bad the poopers real bad and a phlegm problem, the guy on my right was in restraints because he was crazy. He woke up every 1/2 hour to 40 minutes screaming, "Help! Nurse! Get me out of here!" Plus the "F" word every other word. By the time 5 am rolled around, I made a fist and told my nurse I'd help him. The nurse thought it was funny, but the guy heard me and called me a "B*tch". Good thing he was tied up!

So, I was all excited on Sunday when they said they were moving me out of that room, I thought I'd get more sleep - they moved me to Pediatrics! Still in the ER> So, I got to have a change of scenery and got to hear little children crying and screaming in agony all night as doctors took candies out of their ears, gave them blood tests, stitched cuts - ya, that was better! At one point, I begged my nurse to give me something just so I could pass out and fall asleep, I didn't get more than 40 mintues sleep total at any one time before some screaming or activity would wake me up. Plus, they come in and wake you to check your vitals every hour.

I was so bored because there was no TV of course since I wasn't in the ward and walking around with my IV pole was exhausting, reading was hard because my eyes couldn't focus. So, I sat there a lot. Visiting hours were only from 2-8, so I was EXTATIC when Denny came on Sunday afternoon. He sat with me the whole 6 hours, even when they gave me morphine and knocked me out, he stayed by my side until they made the announcement visiting hours were over. He massaged lotion into my feet, he read my book to me, brought me magazines. Man - he's the best husband ever! I love him so much!

So - when they said I was allowed to come home Monday, I was itchin for them to discharge me. I was going mental in there. My meals consisted of clear fluids, because until late Sunday night I couldn't even swallow my own saliva, so I had to be able to swallow before I could leave. So, I had jello and water, juice and broth to eat for all my meals. My IV was feeding me the fluids I needed and strong antibiotics and steriods for swelling.

I was up at 4:00 am that morning WAITING and WAITING for a doctor to come and discharge me. They didn't discharge me until 10:00. Mom came to get me and I was home by 11:30, filling my perscription for more steroids and liquid antibiotics.

So, my first ever stay at a hospital, wasn't pleasant, but I'm thankful I was there because I can breathe and swallow. They always ask you how your pain is from 1-10, 10 being the worst. When I went to the hospital, I was a 10 (well, I say I was a 12 - drama queen rating) and when I left, I was a 3 - so thank God for drugs and doctors! If Denny hadn't called and made that decision as I was telling him I was getting worse, who knows what would have happened as my throat was closing. I was starting to pass out in the ER, so I'm glad it didn't happen at home - God had His hand on us!

It's 4:30 in the morning and I couldn't sleep, so I thought this might put me out. My nasal passage is still swollen, so I can't breathe out my nose and breathing in my mouth for hours dries it out and makes my throat sore, so I thought I'd get up for a bit and re-hydrate myself. Sounds like I'm a fish that fell out of it's tank!

Tonight was the first night in like close to 2 weeks I've slept in the bed with my husband - that's a blessing I THANK God for! Last night Denny & I watched TV for a while, then we turned on a worship DVD and sat on the floor in the dark and just worshiped together. I couldn't sing, but I cried a little and worshiped and prayed. That was one of the nicest moments I've had since we got back from our honeymoon. It was very romantic, even though I look the way I do and feel like this, God gave us a really nice time together before we went to bed. God is good.

Isn't this cute? It's a plushy you can get on-line of a mono cell. Awwww.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I made a caserole yesterday and nearly killed myself. I got in trouble from my husband and Charlie. So, today I'm trying not to do as much - but it's SO HARD!

I miss my husband so much! I can't kiss him, can't sleep with him (in BOTH aspects of the word) and he's gone most of the day and goes to bed before I'm tired cause he has to work.

We both feel like we live separately right now, like before we were married.

It's not all bad - I laughed last night. It was fun. That was the first time I was even able to crack a smile in three days. Ya, that was good times! I've even gotten a get well card! I've never had one of those before! That's something to be thankful for!

I was watching Joyce Meyer this morning and had to stop. You know how when you're on the verge of tears, you get that little sore throat when your face really starts to get into the cry? YA - it's a lot like someone putting a hot poker in the back of my throat right now, so feeling convicted by a television evangelist, not high on my list of fun things to do while I'm sick.

Since I still can't talk on the phone I can't even write about anyone else's life. I heard Charlie has started running - hello!? That rocks! I'm proud of her! I must say my "Never run unless you're being chased by a cop, dog, or it's raining and you have straight hair" motto is not being followed - but I'm proud of her for taking that step. And even if I didn't have the nightmarish kissing disease, I can't say I'd be jealous.

And, since I don't know about what else is happening with anyone, I'll start a rumor - she's going to run in the New York marathon and take me with her to coach her. We'll be staying at Trump Tower, penthouse suite. We've been invited by the mayor to attend a gala event at the Guggenheim where we will meet several - yes, you should be jealous, celebrities! We will first be treated to a shopping spree at Vera Wang by Oprah Winfrey who has also arranged a guided tour of New York and it's finest fire hall by none other than...you guessed it...Matthew Mcconaughey.

Sorry, I must apologize for that little tale. I have been hallucinating an aweful lot during my half-hour SLEEP MARATHONS. Hard to tell what reality is. Sleeping with mono is like going to sleep for what feels like a year: you wake up a completely different person every time.

So, since it's called the "kissing disease, I thought I might as well bring it up. All those well-meaning relatives and friends like to suggestively ask, “what you’ve been up to,” while most people will at least mention it once when you say why you’ve been MISSING for the past 3 or 4 weeks. Yes, I have been "missing" my husband. All I can say is, I will do anything to make sure Denny does not get this. In my mind, MONO feels like a Man-Cold to a man every time he's sick. So I can JUST imagine what it would be like to see Man-MONO! Lord - hear my prayers!!

And of course, there's all those people that have had mono that either laugh at you because they'be been through it, or they tell you how to get over it as quickly as possible. I have had e-mails and homeopathic books sent to me - like everyone I know is a doctor. Hee hee...I know they're just trying to help...and I appreciate it. I have been popping vitamins every 3 hours - I WILL BE WELL!!!!! (picture me shouting that at the top of my lungs, my head thrown back, standing on the kitchen table pounding my chest)

Okay I'm leaving with a computer kiss - ha ha - I just gave you Mono!!

Luvz!

Well - how do I look? I think this is a good picture! I was feeling at the top of my game here. I have been to the doctor 3 times and to emergency once already since last Friday. Tomorrow is officially a week I've been suffering with this throat and gland infection. And it's about 5 weeks of being sick for this stint. My doctor had to write me a note to stay off work until AS LEAST October 23rd. Wasn't my boss THRILLED to hear that? NOT! I think I'll be punished for a long time for this.

The pain last night from 1-10, 10 being the worst was a 12. Last night I took the first 8 steriod pills of my 5-day treatment and it made me feel like an 8 this morning! Now I'm at about a 9-1/2 again. SO, hoping the next dose I just took either kills me or brings me back to life!

So far, I've watched an entire season of Smallville and I'm halfway through watching Season 4 of 24. I pretty much sleep for a half hour at time, then I wake up choking because the hole at the back of my throat is so small, I can't swallow or breathe.

I wish I could say I'm being a "drama queen", but this really does suck. I'm trying really hard not to "go-there" and believe everything Dave & Gerry said about mono - but tonight while I was hallucinating between asleep and awake. I actually made peace with God, because I was sure that God let me get married, just so I could die!

Well - this is me signing off for the night, I hope you enjoyed my depressing view of the first week of mono.

Love you all!

Abbi and I are sitting on the couch like lumps, like we've been doing all weekend. Denny went to Thanksgiving dinner tonight without me, dinner at my parents nearly killed me last night - so I have to miss turkey tonight.

Turns out I have mono and I have the worst infection in my throat that I could have ever imagined! I've never been so sick before. I'll be sitting around with my butt on the couch again tomorrow, trying to get better. I can't even fully open my mouth to talk yet!

It's so frustrating being this sick. I feel so bad for Denny because I can't do ANYTHING! It's hard for him to see me like this, because he's used to me pushing myself to get things done, take care of him, make dinner, clean, work hard. Poor guy. But, he's so awesome - he's taking awesome care of me and he bought me flowers today for our "one-month" being married anniversary.

I keep praying he doesn't get sick. It's one thing when you're sick - but it's so hard when someone gets sick because of you, and I know it would be really hard if he had it too. (He doesn't get paid for sick days!) I can't afford to take anymore sick days after tomorrow, it'll just pile up for me and I'll be more stressed when I get back to work - it's the busiest time of year!

Speaking of praying, it seems like I don't even have the energy to do much of that lately either. I feel really disconected from God right now - I really am disappointed that I don't make more of an effort. THAT is what I should be praying about!

I know, I know it's been a LONG time! It's been a crazy and busy year. So much has happened and I'm excited about what's to come.

I'm at home sick today, couldn't sleep, tired of watching TV, don't have the strength to do anything around the house....SO I thought, "How about that blog that I never seem to update!"

Denny and I were married September 9th. It was such an awesome day! I really wanted to elope, but since we didn't, I have to say that it was an awesome wedding that went according to plan! Everyone that helped was so awesome and we're grateful for all that everyone did.

We keep saying that the best part of the whole thing was getting to the hotel afterwards and just crashing! We went to the River Rock and it's a beautiful hotel. We jumped on the luxurious bed and went for dinner. It was an awesome night. We were pretty emotional from the day and so tired and happy. We remembered how the whole day went and the day before preparing and went over every detail we could remember, cause it went by SO fast!

My first night as a married woman was perfect! I finally got to fall asleep in the arms of the man I love!

Anyways - I should type more later...it's time for some more medication....